Compared to the yoke of worldly sorrow, confusion, pain, and doubt that we presently carry , his yoke is exceedingly light and easy to be borne. When we insist on carrying our own yoke , we do not know where it will take us, and we will sorrow the whole trip. When we accept his yoke we know precisely where it will take us, and we walk the path with joyful steps and peace in our hearts. -John Pontius, Following the Light of Christ into his presence.
Today was tough at some points. I guess because my beliefs were called into question and challenged by my own family. My method of hearing God's voice was questioned by my mom and sister as possibly being "flippant" and just careless. As if I were receiving false answers or I was being deceived, or foolish.
It hurt because I felt misunderstood...again, for the third day in a row. Now having to defend myself in front of my Mom. I don't know if I really swayed her. Also it took me off guard and it caused me to question my own self and doubt the things I had known to be true... The voices came back to my mind "you are being niave! Foolish, gullible, you are just a child and will never know how to make your own desicions" . You are prideful in thinking you can receive direct answers from God. "You are forcing the answer".
Yet all these negative voices I feel are not true at all! None of them brought me peace, they only brought me confusion and fear. I think it is the way my mom's message was delivered....it is always through dear and doubt in my ability to decide. My parents are always chosing fear over faith as their foundation. I cannot say this to them. This is my perception, but I really do not like it -especially now that I can identify it and pinpoint it.
I know my parents come from a place of caution or concern... I appreciate it. But I feel they could voice those same concerns with the spirit of faith and not of fear. I can just sense the old feelings wash over me.. Those feelings I was in so used to. The feelings I am trying to flee!
I suppose part of this trial has thrown me up against my own anger towards my parents. I see that I am not comfortable or secure being myself or maintaining my hold on the rod of iron when around people like this. When I am around fear mongering I am susceptible and easily persuaded to fear. I am quick to let go of the rod of iron (my personal revelation) to fall back into fear and insecurity and faithlessness.
It is so so hard to stand strong when your faith is still so small. So tiny. But it is there! I am holding onto it but I lost my grip the last few days with everyone throwing my identity into question. With what seems like my closest confidants lacking confidence in me. It causes me to lose confidence in myself. I guess the question is my hold on the voice of the Lord strong enough to preserve me through these trials? During the moments I feel vulnerable and alone, self conscious, unworthy? Will I give heed to these temptations or will I remain strong and confident in God's word to me? Will I doubt the goodness I felt? Will I revert back to calling if all a coincidence? Or ignore the miracles of the Lord because I ascribe it to chance? Where then is my faith??
I know what I have felt, and I know it seems foolish but like Joseph Smith said he cannot deny them! As much as people will question you doubt you vision or your promptings or your methods, you cannot deny that by then you have truly communed with God and have felt his goodness and tasted of his love. How painful to be rejected or to be misunderstood for them. But I need to hold fast to what I know is true, to my faith in the holy spirit and in my own hearing of his voice.
I know the Lord has prompted us and I am beginning to finally learn how the Lord speaks to me. It is so subtle and easy to overlook but for me it is almost like a silent knowing, a "yes"! Or a silent thought " something isn't right" or "this just does not feel right".
Now I do have to be careful I don't take a prompting and run with it too fast. Sometimes I get a prompting and then blindly follow, as in I do not think for myself I just go with it and ignore the follow up promptings. The additional clarifications that help me better understand my first prompting. I believe that is why I get frustrated. I can be impatient. Yes, I do need to be careful to slow down and listen. Listen listen.
Here are my 10:
1. Josh calling Nate to get advice about buying a home with student loans, it brought me more peace to hear his advice. Someone who has been there.
2. Learning to trust my voice, or the voice that speaks through me despite doubts and fears and voices that bombard me from the outside world. Learning to distinguish truth from error. Filtering out the good from the bad in all I hear. Not all voices are 100% false, but sometimes the ways which information is presented can be misleading and manipulative. However the information alone could be valuable . like facts a out buying a home or costs to consider. However scare tactics and doubt sprinkled in there can cause one to lose hold of what they know to be true.
3. Learning to hear the voice. Trusting that I do receive answers through the conscience. That is how the spirit speaks to me. The only time I've been mislead is when I only listen halfway or I am careless in Following through with a prompting, and instead make guesses without thinking things through with the aid of the holy ghost and without much prayer. So I learned also that I need to slow down a bit and think and pray. Example: felt prompted to reach out to certain individuals to get their opinion on what we should do . Not just listen to my dad and make a desicion based off of his recommendations (to rent a duplex, or small apartment...) That does NOT feel right to me but he kept insisting and almost forcing me to believe that was the right way . wouldn't respect my intuition or my feelings. I didn't feel comfortable about that . I appreciated his concern and pointing out some things ....but those were mainly things I'd already been considering.
4. My mom bought me a salad from Kroger's for supper. It hit the spot.
5. Mom helping me clean and pack after she got off work today.
6. Home made hat (white meditation hat) made by someone in my group. Helped hide the bad hair day.
7. Playing at the playground , exploring the baseball field with Isabel and getting that quality time with her. Even though it wears me out.
8. The hope that Noah will be healthy.
9. Donna finding Noah a Noahs ark bedroom set!!!!
10. Peace and reassurance from the Lord, reminders of Josh's blessing the other day about my progress and that I am ahead of schedule in my progression. To know that I am in the right, or at least on the right path..(even if I'm not yet there or not perfectly obedient.) It has really increased my confidence in God and in my own self. Blessings are amazing.
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