Day 20 - losing focus & gaining perspective

1. Josh getting a day off of work so he could be home 5 days in a row. I feel so spoiled to have the time I have been given with him! Isabel loves it. And it helps me cope with my pregnancy. Things are getting tough for me.
2. Josh's medication. ADHD pills. It is teaching us a lot about our bodies. The way we react to medication can signify deeper u derlying issues that aren't being resolved. The issues josh has experienced has helped us to pin point what it is that is really going on. The fact that his ears pop every time his meds kick in and help him hear and smell better all lead me to believe that there has to be a connection with the way blood flows in and out of this area of the brain (all connected to the sinus') and why it is affecting his sinus'. We both feel it has something to do with blood circulation to his brain. This led me to research a ton... And came to cranial sacral therapy which seems to explain why he is experiencing what he is. Conventional doctors don't seem to make mention of any of this stuff and just lead people along never really leading them to true healing. I feel this therapy may help guide him to the right area . this therapy suggests ADHD can be related to pre birth trauma and the way neck is positioned/none structure. It is a lead. Trusting God.
3. Talking to George and lisa today about energy healing! How George is more open to it now. Love having family who get it!
4. Learning that Lisa uses a pendulum. After I was promoted to start using one (instead of muscle testing).
5. Going to the arbetoreum today. Playing in the bamboo forest with Isabel. Running around the park exploring.
6. Essential oils. And Apple cider vinegar. I realize they do make me feel better and I want to start using them more.
7. New desk that josh made from our old one. He cut it in half now we have two!
8. Saying prayers with isabel in the morning and before bed. Reading a night time book with her. Seeing her interest in the book.
9. The joy I see in Isabel's face when she plays with her daddy. For dads unending abundance of energy and his enthusiasm for playing with Isabel when I can't.
10. A treadmill that works great!! Thank you Leavitts. I walked a mile at least.

Prayer. Gifts of the spirit. The light of Christ and the holy ghost. My crystals. My parents. My sister. My body. My mind. Hope. Hope. And hope.

Day #19 -Finding my focus

1. My pink crystal quartz rock gifted to me by a girl in my energy healing group. I meditated with it today and about fell asleep it relaxed me so. I read later that that is one of the effects of Rose quartz, it makes you sleepy and calms you down.
2. Impression to write out my prayer to God. And having him impress me to meditate with my Rose quartz in instead of clean.
3. Isabel sleeping 14 hours straight! From 7p-10am! Wow. Growth spurt or something? She normally wakes in the night. I got 9 hours.
4. Catching up on emails and texts with people.
5. Having a friendly kitty come and play with Isabel and I. It made her so happy. She kept chasing it and it never hissed or bit her.
6. Cooler weather , I was able to wear a big sweater outside and didn't have to worry about finding s shirt to wear.
7. Being led to reiki and to lis powers class...apparently I'm on the fbpage, but when I go to see if I'm there I'm not... So it seems like a sign to me. I feel like I need to receive attunements to help me advance spiritually. Also to help me heal myself and my family.
8. Toys that Shannon and Denise gave us.
9. Isabel being more attentive and less irritable (most of the time) and more interested in reading books.
10. Time to relax and research things on the internet. Time to unwind and think.
11. Getting my hair to look good in a bun today.

Day 18 - Earthquakes and 100 Desicions

I've been so overwhelmed with desicions. I don't even know the beginning of it.
The future is as bright as your faith.
Well I am going to need lots of faith and even more prayer to get through all this.
I believe miracles are happening everyday. I believe that God works in mysterious ways and when he leads us down one path that winds up being a dead end road it is because he needs us to learn wisdom to prepare us for the road ahead.
All I know right now is that things will be changing. And life may get a bit uncomfortable for the next couple of years. But it will be a sacrifice worth making and one that will push and test me , and deliver me at the same time.

Moving back in with my parents is not something that I originally planned, wanted of even considered an option!

Well the road God took me down showed me that the road I was on wasn't the road that would lead me to safety or prosperity. In fact it would have led us to longer term bondage and much hardship.

Buying a home was a sensible option because it is cheaper to buy than rent...in a sense... But maybe not in the long run. The down payment is binding. The upkeep drains . The being stuck in one place isn't good either. This may not be where we are meant to live long term.

So life has been a rollercoaster the past two - three days and I feel like I'm rebounding from a mild depression. I suppose thinking about the negatives and not focusing on positives is causing me to lose sight of God's hand. Forgetting to journal in here and being so extremely fatigued is wearing me out.

Well time to change things around.

1. Free toys Denise gave us. For Isabel finding friends in Shannon and Denises' kids.
2. Creative play with Isabel. Doing one thing a day that teaches her something new.
3. Isabel pointing to her head, ears, eyes, nose, mouth!
4. Hope of a bright future. Josh and nursing school. Long term possibly nurse anaesthetic.
5. Daily walks and for a body that is healthy despite everything that could go wrong.
6. Being able to plan a mini vacation and having money to do so.
7. My parents generosity.
8. My sister's help.
9. The sweet peace I felt when we decided to live with my parents after almost buying a house.
10. Reminders to pray.
11. Nursery.
12. Change. That we are moving forward again even though it is uncomfortable.
13. Hope. Hope that I will find my calling or passion in life.

Graditude day #17 - Future Plans, Country Living, and Dragons

We will cut straight to 10 Fe the day

1. Going to Midway college and getting a feel for the campus, reassurance that all will be well and all will work out.
2. Meeting up with Bonnie Fint at our Bald Knob Rd home. We love a lot of things about it. It's perfect for us and we hope that everything will work in our favor for the home.
3. Ruth messaging me back and telling me more details about my session. Helping me understand that the creature on my back is gone and I really am fine and okay . reassurance that my dragon is protecting me, that angels are around me, that I can overcome. I have seriously been feeling so reassured lately and surrounded in love.
4. Feeling surrounded in love. Finally not feeling alone and empty. Feeling the hand of God in my life helping me cope.
5. Josh deciding to take a sick day tomorrow....(what a relief) my body seriously needs time to recooperated and doing a 24 hour day is a huge burden on my body right now. I need to rest...
6. Josh emailing Ruth for his own session .
7. Josh doing the dishes
8. Being told that I was close to the dragons in the premortal realm. That I knew Ruth's sister who was also involved with them in the pre earth world. Thinking about meeting her gets me excited.
9. Discussing the rules in our home and the need to come together in unity with Josh on them. Setting up rules for our house like the structure for Isabel. What we will and won't allow. How to help her find order and consistency....example: getting rid of high chair and feeding her only with silly cuo and letting her eat as she pleases in a big girls chair...leaving the food there for her to eat later even if she decides she's not hungry . give her a second chance if she is picky by altering what we make (add sugar) to help Isabel want to eat. We are still talking about other rules.
10. Josh working so hard for our family. I really really appreciate his hard work for us. Bless him with strength and love. I pray he will be able to handle his load.

Gratitude day #15 - sticking to my guns!

I'm not sure why I made this my title, I just felt like today was one of those days where I just had to stick to my guns!

In other words, stick to my goals and work hard even though I would much rather give up the ghost or have a breakdown!

My main goals right now are simple.
Stick to my meal plan. Prepare healthy and wholesome meals for myself and family.
Daily devotionals
Prayer in the morning and at night before bed.
Read Isabel books
Do a couple creative activities with her
Go on a walk
Get out of the house and explore
Keep the house clean.

I don't do this perfectly, but so far I've been keeping up. However I'm beginning to slow down a lot . my body cannot walk long distances anymore nor can I do long putting with a cranky Isabel. I have a hard time carrying her. It makes it so hard to keep going in the day when my feet hurt and I wonder when will I ever get a break?

Today is a josh at work all day , day. So I made it. And I'm happy. I hope my body goes back to normal after this pregnancy. So I am not so dependent on others or on josh.

Ten

1. The meal plan day two, the yummy Asian salad I made. It feels good to eat so well from home!!!
2. Recipe book Donna got me to put all my new recipes in.
3. Ruth , energy healer, offering to help me do work on my babies.
4. Learning new methods to cook different ingredients. Pureeing cauliflower! It was actually very easy! Now that I've done it, I've already overcome that mental block, and it will only be easier to eat healthy from here on out.
5. Got basil at Wilson's nursery's.
6. For Isabel. She's teaching me how to be a better person and motivates me to get myself and my life in line.
7. All the gifts I've been given from my family. I've been given a lot!
8. Hope. One of my biggest blessings is the hope I've felt come through the atonement. To know it'll be fine .
9. A bed. That Isabel is sleeping well.
10. Grace. For magical moments of grace and help I receive that gets me through each day. Even if it's nothing visible or big. Sometimes it's just a feeling of peace that averts a earthquake. Or a breakdown.

GRACE is the missing link: An LDS perspective

I'm a Mormon, or Latter-Day Saint. While I wholeheartedly believe that Joseph Smith restored truth to the earth, I don't believe we always understand the truth that is there for us to a fullness. I feel that "grace" in our religion is one of those misunderstood doctrines. It is perhaps a cultural belief that  we we only receive the grace of god after all we can possibly do (aka, after doing all the work we can on our own THEN Christ makes up the rest). However, that is not what the scripture means. I had a teacher at BYU-Idaho tell us once that the scripture should actually read "after all we can do...to come unto HIM."

In terms of receiving his enabling power we simply have to come unto him and believe that he can change us, and that he is mighty to save. You don't have to be perfect to qualify for this power. You don't even need to have a temple recommend, or even be a member of the church. The grace of God is administered in my understanding through the holy spirit. All men have the spirit, not all have the holy ghost. The Holy spirit speaks to us through our conscience. It enlightens us, guides us, leads us to do that which is good. It leads us to do that which we would normally not do, think, or say. It leads us to do what is completely unexpected.

This is why I rejoice when I understand the missing link between my righteous desires ~ and the actual fulfillment of those desires. I cannot be the only one who feels overly frusterated when I try to do all I can do (of my own will) and continue to come up short. Why? It is because I and others do not understand that we are missing the entire point of the atonement! Through that atonement the Lord is able to offer us power, through his grace, to help us overcome all things. That means A. we cannot do all we can do and expect to get to the gates of heaven. We have to do all we can do to come unto Christ, to know him, to trust him, to obey him. He will not ask us to do more than we are able. He will lead us line upon line, precept upon precept. As long as we are obeying the promptings of the spirit we will receive his grace to continue in this way until we reach our goals. All goals and any righteous goals that we may have can be attained through this method.

My favorite quote from my favorite talk by LDS - Brad Wilcox, "His Grace Is Sufficient" This talk changed my life!

 I am so sad it took me so long to understand this. Luckily the Lord led me to this talk by Brad Wilcox entitled "His Grace Is Sufficient." It changed my entire life.

I wanted to share this excerpt with you out of a book entitled "Grace Goals" by Arabah Joy. I just started reading and stumbled upon this:

Scripture tells us Christ has purchased the provision we need to change and has given us everything we need to live a life of progressive godliness! (II Peter 1:3)

But how?

There’s this passage I stumbled on in II Thessalonians around the same time my friend first confided her addiction to me. It’s Paul speaking here, the same author of Romans 7:15, and again he speaks of desires, those yearnings for godliness. But get this: instead of rehashing the angst of Romans 7, he says, “We constantly pray for you, that our God may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness... according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (II Thessalonians 1:11-12, NIV)

When I first read those verses, something connected, like a missing piece of the puzzle. On one hand we have godly desire~ those yearnings for righteousness ~ and on the other we have the fulfillment of those desires in the living out of our daily lives. And that missing piece, the thing in the middle that connects the two? It is...
Well, read this passage again so you see it for yourself:

“We constantly pray for you, that our God may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness... according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” II Thessalonians 1:11-12, NIV

Do you see it? Our godly desires are fulfilled “according to” or “by” the grace that God gives us.
Does this fire you up? It sure does me! God is willing to fulfill our desires for godliness and put rubber on the tarmac of our spiritual lives and He does it through the provision of grace.

Now I know grace is one of those Christian-ese terms we throw around a lot and sing about it. We think we understand it because, well, we’ve all experienced it to some degree or another. But let me tell you, grace is extremely practical. 

Grace is the power of God. It is more than God’s forgiveness when we do wrong... it is God’s enablement to do right. Grace is what has the power to transform a person’s life.

Let me just show you what I mean... Titus 2:12 says the grace of God trains us and teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and to live self-controlled and godly lives.
Hebrews 13:9 says grace is what strengthens the heart. There is a unique strengthening that can only come from grace.
II Corinthians 9:8 says the grace of God is always sufficient, always in abundance, always present, and always relevant (applicable) to your situation.
From these verses alone, we see God’s grace ENABLES us to say YES to every good and godly work and say NO to every ungodly and selfish desire.

The Bible tells us the grace of God is always sufficient, no matter what.

Gratitude day #14 - crunching numbers and more hope

The good news of the day- and possibly of the year, is that nursing school is within reach and living expenses will be covered if all goes well!! I am feeling very hopeful! I know the negative voice in my mind that tries to sabatoge things says "don't get your hopes up, something bad will happen, or likely will and you will be disappointed."

Josh tells me to tell that voice to take a hike. That we have paid our tithing and we will be very blessed for it. Have hope and have faith. Even if it doesn't work out as planned, that's okay! I trust that there is a better option awaiting us.

Key right now is learning to recognize the holy spirit. !!!!
Need to pray and pray and pray some more for it.

The home we are looking at is on Bald Knob Road and is on some land. The house seems to need lots of updating, however... So that's the issue. I'm not sure id want to buy unless we got it for a really good deal. But it's in an ideal spot! Near to my parents. And 2 miles into town.

We could own chickens, and animals! Have a garden, grow thjngs. It also has a pool. So, it is something to think about.

Anyways, crunching numbers today for cost of living for 2 years while josh is going to school. I figured out that if josh kept his job we would get by with living expenses and possibly even his college debt! May not need to take out loans, either.. Plus he may get help with paying for his nursing if he worked full time .

It was a huge relief to know that his job would help us cover most of everything. A loan may happen for a couple thousand but we can figure it out. We definitely need to get a cheaper home too.

Well here is my 10
1. Going to visit my grandparents and Donna, for all the many many things that they got us! And Isabel and baby. Huge blessing! She found a Noahs ark bedroom set. Clothes. Toys. The works! So grateful!!
2. My Mom, all she does for me and all the service she gives me . watching Isabel. Washing my clothes. Helping me clean my own home. She's always available and there for me.
3. Crunching numbers and figuring out what we need to do financially to make this work (college), and a home.
4. Finding the home on Bald Knob Road , it gives us hope that we can find what we need and land included.
5. Sleeping in till 9 , and Isabel not waking up.
6. Foot massage from Josh :)
7. Success with my first meal in my month of meal plans! I get excited to cook when I have a plan. It was healthy too...
8. For Isabel's protection... That she hasn't been seriously hurt yet!
9. Exciting future plans. Being able to look forward to the future in hope not in fear. Being able to have a reassurance that God is guiding us and that we are being led. I know that as long as I keep the commandments I will be safe and protected.
10. My companionship with my husband. That we both desire the same things, and that he desires to change and improve his life. His love for the gospel and all the service he gives me and all the help he offers me. For providing. For playing. For being my comfort and my protector. I pray that the Lord will bless him for all he does.

Gratitude day #13 - Trusting in God's Voice (and trials of my faith)

Compared to the yoke of worldly sorrow, confusion, pain, and doubt that we presently carry , his yoke is exceedingly light and easy to be borne. When we insist on carrying our own yoke , we do not know where it will take us, and we will sorrow the whole trip. When we accept his yoke we know precisely where it will take us, and we walk the path with joyful steps and peace in our hearts. -John Pontius, Following the Light of Christ into his presence.

Today was tough at some points. I guess because my beliefs were called into question and challenged by my own family. My method of hearing God's voice was questioned by my mom and sister as possibly being "flippant" and just careless. As if I were receiving false answers or I was being deceived, or foolish.

It hurt because I felt misunderstood...again, for the third day in a row. Now having to defend myself in front of my Mom. I don't know if I really swayed her. Also it took me off guard and it caused me to question my own self and doubt the things I had known to be true... The voices came back to my mind "you are being niave! Foolish, gullible, you are just a child and will never know how to make your own desicions" .  You are prideful in thinking you can receive direct answers from God. "You are forcing the answer".

Yet all these negative voices I feel are not true at all! None of them brought me peace, they only brought me confusion and fear. I think it is the way my mom's message was delivered....it is always through dear and doubt in my ability to decide. My parents are always chosing fear over faith as their foundation. I cannot say this to them. This is my perception, but I really do not like it -especially now that I can identify it and pinpoint it.

I know my parents come from a place of caution or concern... I appreciate it. But I feel they could voice those same concerns with the spirit of faith and not of fear. I can just sense the old feelings wash over me.. Those feelings I was in so used to. The feelings I am trying to flee!

I suppose part of this trial has thrown me up against my own anger towards my parents. I see that I am not comfortable or secure being myself or maintaining my hold on the rod of iron when around people like this. When I am around fear mongering I am susceptible and easily persuaded to fear. I am quick to let go of the rod of iron (my personal revelation) to fall back into fear and insecurity and faithlessness.

It is so so hard to stand strong when your faith is still so small. So tiny. But it is there! I am holding onto it but I lost my grip the last few days with everyone throwing my identity into question. With what seems like my closest confidants lacking confidence in me. It causes me to lose confidence in myself. I guess the question is my hold on the voice of the Lord strong enough to preserve me through these trials? During the moments I feel vulnerable and alone, self conscious, unworthy? Will I give heed to these temptations or will I remain strong and confident in God's word to me? Will I doubt the goodness I felt? Will I revert back to calling if all a coincidence? Or ignore the miracles of the Lord because I ascribe it to chance? Where then is my faith??

I know what I have felt, and I know it seems foolish but like Joseph Smith said he cannot deny them! As much as people will question you doubt you vision or your promptings or your methods, you cannot deny that by then you have truly communed with God and have felt his goodness and tasted of his love. How painful to be rejected or to be misunderstood for them. But I need to hold fast to what I know is true, to my faith in the holy spirit and in my own hearing of his voice.

I know the Lord has prompted us and I am beginning to finally learn how the Lord speaks to me. It is so subtle and easy to overlook but for me it is almost like a silent knowing, a "yes"! Or a silent thought " something isn't right" or "this just does not feel right".

Now I do have to be careful I don't take a prompting and run with it too fast. Sometimes I get a prompting and then blindly follow, as in I do not think for myself I just go with it and ignore the follow up promptings. The additional clarifications that help me better understand my first prompting. I believe that is why I get frustrated. I can be impatient. Yes, I do need to be careful to slow down and listen. Listen listen.

Here are my 10:
1. Josh calling Nate to get advice about buying a home with student loans, it brought me more peace to hear his advice. Someone who has been there.
2. Learning to trust my voice, or the voice that speaks through me despite doubts and fears and voices that bombard me from the outside world. Learning to distinguish truth from error. Filtering out the good from the bad in all I hear. Not all voices are 100% false, but sometimes the ways which information is presented can be misleading and manipulative. However the information alone could be valuable . like facts a out buying a home or costs to consider. However scare tactics and doubt sprinkled in there can cause one to lose hold of what they know to be true.
3. Learning to hear the voice. Trusting that I do receive answers through the conscience. That is how the spirit speaks to me. The only time I've been mislead is when I only listen halfway or I am careless in Following through with a prompting, and instead make guesses without thinking things through with the aid of the holy ghost and without much prayer. So I learned also that I need to slow down a bit and think and pray. Example: felt prompted to reach out to certain individuals to get their opinion on what we should do . Not just listen to my dad and make a desicion based off of his recommendations (to rent a duplex, or small apartment...) That does NOT feel right to me but he kept insisting and almost forcing me to believe that was the right way . wouldn't respect my intuition or my feelings. I didn't feel comfortable about that . I appreciated his concern and pointing out some things ....but those were mainly things I'd already been considering.
4. My mom bought me a salad from Kroger's for supper. It hit the spot.
5. Mom helping me clean and pack after she got off work today.
6. Home made hat (white meditation hat) made by someone in my group. Helped hide the bad hair day.
7. Playing at the playground , exploring the baseball field with Isabel and getting that quality time with her. Even though it wears me out.
8. The hope that Noah will be healthy.
9. Donna finding Noah a Noahs ark bedroom set!!!!
10. Peace and reassurance from the Lord, reminders of Josh's blessing the other day about my progress and that I am ahead of schedule in my progression. To know that I am in the right, or at least on the right path..(even if I'm not yet there or not perfectly obedient.) It has really increased my confidence in God and in my own self. Blessings are amazing.

Gratitude day #12 - Finding my voice

 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things. - Moroni 10:5

I wanted to post this on Facebook but I figure not to cast my pearl before swine and instead voice my opinion here.

The voice of the spirit is the thing that is leading me and guiding me. It has taught me my worth. It has reminded me of my purpose and shown me my gifts. It is melting away the shame.

Perhaps this is the cause of opposition in my life. As I grow and mature and as my abilities mature I am met with opposition on all sides, from those who would have things stay the same. From those who feel threatened by the authenticity by which I strive to live. Because I am throwing off many of the chains which bind me, my vibration is changing and I am calling forth all the unauthentic identities in my life. I am shedding old skin. I am calling forth new powers. I am birthing a new life.

Abilities are to see things differently. To see the peculiar way in which the Lord works. I can see it. I can see it plainly. I am drawn to the truth. I do not mean to boast, but I say this so that I can begin to feel comfortable in my own skin and acknowledge my strengths. I have a pure heart. The Lord told me and I felt it was true as he confirmed this to me. My heart aches to hear this from my God and Father. To be recognized as good! To be told I am sure hearted means the world to me....when my whole life I have been burdened by a overwhelming sense of shame. To know the TRUTH and throw out the lies! To recognize how wrong I've been about myself. I have no evil intent in me. I have no meanness in my heart. I have nothing but love to give the world, and nothing but compassion to share.

I've hardened my heart over time and have turned bitter because I have been born into this cold world, a world that simply doesn't understand or comprehend my intentions. It won't acknowledge my voice. I see that it has crippled me. It has turned me into someone I'm not. I have not felt myself since I came to this world. It is no joke.

Heavenly Father knew how impressionable I was to come down here and enter into hardship where my heart would be trampled on and my love would be ignored. He knew I'd retreat into myself. But this doesn't make me bad. This doesn't make me worthy of the guilt and shame I have been carrying.

I have a voice!! It speaks powerfully in and through me. It is a gift and a voice of the spirit. I am not going to be afraid to anger people anymore. I am simply going to speak when I felt called to do so.

Well it's late so here's my 10

1. Hiking at cove springs
2. Shirts from cheapskates, new ones!/cute ones!
3. Uninterrupted sleep
4. Throwing rocks in the creek in our backyard with Isabel.
5. The love I feel for my daughter. D
6. Recognizing my gifts and realizing my worth.
7. My ability to speak up when something isn't right. Even if I get a lot of backlash for it.
8. Time to talk about our life and our life plans while on our hike.
9. Promptings from the spirit.
10. Learning that it is not a good idea to live with my parents. Not a good enviornment for me to live in.

Gratitude day #11 - lowest of lows

I am too tired to write out everything that happened today... But basically josh and I had a fight. Big one. He left. Didn't come back for like 7 hours. I was going crazy and mad because he lefme alone with Isabel and no car and wouldn't answer my phone or text. I finally got a hold of him at like 630/PM and I didn't mean to but I lost it. I yelled and screamed at him...i know others heard me. I know I scared Isabel. It hurts SO bad to hurt her. Yet I couldn't help it. I was upset and angry and I needed to express my bottled up emotions. My hurt. My broken heart.

I love Isabel so much but I am so human. I pray I don't mess her up to bad. :'( I asked my mom if I could take her over there for the night. I needed a break and couldn't deal emotionally. Plus josh and I needed to talk it out for a few hours.. Sigh. Well I have been dreading being grateful for this day. Here it goes anyway.

1. Isabel's sweet smiling spirit...even when I'm sad she smiles.
2. Blessing I got from josh after our fight. Pure heart and light shining out of me. I'm right on schedule. He heals through his love. Pray for this healing. Lord will cut down my tree.
3. A stroller.
4. Nap time.
5. Traci , being able to vent to her and feel better after.
6. Slept in , josh watched her so I could sleep in.
7. Reassurance about getting into Midway college (josh)
8. Parents who came to pick up Isabel when I couldn't handle her anymore... Or rather couldn't handle me. Huge comfort to have them.
9. The playroom in the back of the house. A separate space for Isabel's toys.
10. Helping josh learn to process his emotions. Helping him confront his anger issues...and finding that alot of it is ancestral.... No wonder we are struggling so much. I need to pray to help whoever the ancestor is to heal.

Gratitude day 10 - 24 hours without Josh and no low!

I think this is cause to celebrate. I have been recognizing a trend in my posts where the hardest and lowest days have been on the days Josh is gone. Perhaps because I detected this I've been able to prepare for them more.

I noticed that having a focus (my schedule, routine, and meal plan) has helped keep me occupied and gives me purpose. Not only that but hope. Gratitude is helping a lot as well! I am not as stuck because I am pushing forward and reaching higher.

I notice myself trying to talk myself out of keeping and maintaining a routine. "It's too much work and effort, it isn't worth the trouble" "this is rediculous, look at how crazy and rigid this all is. It isn't realistic". " You really think this new meal plan is going to work?" "Look at his much you spent, and how much work this is". And on and on. Well, now j am more aware and am able to detect these voices trying to dissuade me from doing what I know I need to do.

I recognize that the initial startup , getting out of this rut is going to take a lot of effort... More than I will ever have to do in the future. But if I get the momentum going then it will be so much easier to keep going. I know I need to give myself grace...and I definitely have. In fact last night I didn't get to bed until 3 because of pregnancy, overactive brain and then Isabel woke up. That wrecks me. Thus I slept in till 10...(thankfully). I felt rested all day though and had enough energy to go to the store and keep a clean house, and cook 2 chickens and freeze, play with Isabel, going on a walk, feed her and put her to bed.

Another thing that helped me today was playing with isabel outside and exploring her world with her. Being creative and teaching her how to play. Chasing her between the trees. Collecting plants and things, talking to her and reading to her. Also having food for her to eat. Also! I bought two new shirts that fit me!! That must have made a big difference. I am also so excited about my meal plan. How much healthier we will be eating.

10 for the day
1. Isabel following my request to go pick up the sweeper, or broom after she dropped stuff on the floor. She knew exactly what I meant and went and got it and tried to sweep for me.
2. Playing with isabel outside and exploring nature with her. I have so much fun doing it. She loved it too. Especially me chasing her. The rain.
3. Getting 2 new maternity shirts from cheapskates!
4. Getting complimented on my shirt by a sweet 11 year old boy at Kroger!
5. Keeping s clean house, even though I made 2 chickens and soaking beans and no josh!
6. My meal plan!!
7. Avacado pudding!!! Thanks to the Leavitts.
8. Isabel reading a book in her crib before bed!! Looking at the pictures.
9. The library. All the sweet people who love on Isabel and think she is the cutest.
10. Prayer. Isabel seemed to fold her arms for a second when I started to pray before bed today. !!

Gratitude day #9 - Giving myself some grace and a little more structure

It was a rough morning. Hmm.. I am beginning to see a trend here. This is almost a normal occurance for me. If it's not a picture crashing to the ground it is the baby waking me up. Lately I've had a hard time breathing. So I think I got about 4-5 hrs of sleep. . .

Anyway, I got up after a while because I just couldn't sleep and the thought came to me to just get up and get a head start on my day. I am actually thankful I did because I was able to meal plan and figure out a schedule and organize all the ingredients for our trip to Aldis later that day. I wanted to make sure I got my week off to a good start. Believe me, just knowing and having a plan for meals takes a huge burden off my back and actually replaces with excitement. I'm simple I know. Knowing what I have planned gives the whole family something to look forward to. There is nothing quite like being hungry and not knowing what to eat!! I have learned the hard way. So all these meals are extremely healthy, not pre packaged, lots of veggies!!! And it is all planned out for me for a whole month! Think I'll simply rotate and do it again. We will see. This is an experiment.

Aldis didn't have all the ingredients so I will have to go to Kroger tomorrow to get the rest. Then I will have to cook 2 whole chickens and soak beans for the month. Also reserving broth (homemade)! This alone will save me oodles!! Annnnd no msg!! Beans will be sodium free. I usually go the easy route and buy cans. But this will be way healthier for my body. Ibfeel so good about this. I know I need to give myself grace for those slip ups I'm sure to have. Make sure I don't go at this in an all or nothing way. Food is so important for our bodies and this is my first step in making the changes necessary to sustain my health and well being.

So simple really, but it is a huge breakthrough for me...ADD girl who struggles to initiate anything or to focus and make goals and act and execute my ideas. I'm usually a head in the clouds girl. Routine and planning and structure brings me down to earth and is helping me live intentionally. Some people, including me believe routine is a prison....(false belief!) But I am learning that NO routine is chaos and chaos is a type of prison. The Lord's house is a house of order. I want mine to be too. It is no longer out of reach for me. The Lord is blessing me.

A lady in my energy healing group texted me saying she could work on me today and apparently released many hundreds of generational emotions and feelings that I've been carrying. Especially the preconception trauma. More on that later I'm sure. I am sure the trauma is a min reason for my dibilitations.

Here we go for our 10

1. Isabel finding and playing with a whooly worm! It is so simple a thin but I love exposing her to new and unusual things. I love helping her learn through touch, sight, smell, etc. She got excited. When we let it go, she ran back to see where it went and was sad she couldn't find it.
2. Waking up early to meal plan
3. Trip to. KFC and baskin Robbins. When your pregnant and tired and hungry...it's heaven.... Good thing I'm meal planning!!
4. Fans in our bedroom...pillow between my legs. Helps me sleep.
5. I was able to keep my kitchen clean today.
6. Walk at the park, seeing Isabel throw a fit because we walked right past the playground . Something she now apparently loves! She's growing up and is so aware!! Sometimes I miss how little and unaware she was. I'm still so used to her being unconscious in a sense , now she has preferences and likes and dislikes.
7. Donna , energy healer, texting me to help do work on me.
8. Short nap.
9. Grace!!! Grace from the Lord, forgiveness , and power I'm receiving to overcome my weaknesses.
10. Being tired at 11 PM. Hopefully I'll be able to reset my clock and then myself into more of a morning person....grace for grace ;)

Gratitude day #8 - The Light Dawns

Today was a sunday, and that means church!
Got to church late. Woken up last night by a picture on the wall that crashed. Was shaken up about that for a while. Couldn't sleep. So josh took Isabel to church....even tho he didn't get much sleep either. Love him. Got to church for 3rd hour. Saw Isabel in nursery. Hannah watched her for me. Love her too!

Was reminded of our dinner with the leavitts. They live really close to us. Family with like 7 kids. We had talked a while ago on a Wednesday and found out we had a lot in common.... At least when it comes to our add tendencies. So we had a lot to talk about!!

Went over there and it was awesome. The conversation we had was like a lightbulb... Especially for josh! He came home tonight and was ready eyed and dumbfounded , still trying to process all the information. The missing link to his life. It makes him sad because he wishes he would have known this sooner , because life has been so difficult for him. Brother Leavitts has many of the exact same issues as Josh. Did poorly on tests. Couldn't focus. The list goes on. The whole time we were like YES!!! That is 1000 % us! Even sister leavitt has some issues. Like me. But different. Anyway. He was saying that we (josh and I) both have add/ADHD but different types and we balance each other out. We help one another in our weak areas. Yes. So true. He takes medicine. He said the difference for him was night and day. And I believe it.like he couldn't even sleep because he could think and focus so clearly. He was so excited. Medicine, they said, is necessary in a society that doesn't acknowledge the skills of these people. In a culture where there's a million different desicions to make , it really is. Handicap to have trouble focusing. It takes 10x the effort of someone with add to do what someone without it can do.

Wish I could recount the full convo.

Isabel loved their family too!! The kids are so well behaved and mature with her. I felt I could trust them totally with her. And Isabel was really enjoying their company. They weren't loud or obnoxious. These are the kids I want my daughter to associate with! It is such a stark contrast from the kids you see in nursery, and primary. In general. Kids just don't have respect. They push other kids around and the teacher won't do anything about it!

Just makes me worry. I want Isabel to grow and flourish and enjoy socializing. I am feeling more and more that homeschooling my kids is the best option. It would be so awesome if my kids had friends with other homeschool kiddos. I will pray on this... But upon finding out my daughter almost certainly has sensory issues like josh and I (or sensory gifts!) As society would not acknowledge, I feel that she needs to grow up in an environment that encourages physical activity and exploration....not squash it.

I know, however, it would be tough for me. I'm also not sure if she would get enough social interaction. I would need to make sure she is a part of a homeschool group. I'd like to live somewhere that I knew there would be one.

Learned lots of things. It was so refreshing to talk to someone who gets it!! Also who understands my parenting . not to reinforce picky eating by dismissing them if they won't eat or if they throw their food. Their kids est even the things they don't like. Or they don't eat. There is no way that she would make individual meals for each child. It is so so tough to put your foot down like that, but I see that it definitely pays off in the long run.

I need to ask her more about how she punishes or rewards her kiddos. Like what would you do if your child deliberately disobeyed you? (Ate the pudding)?

Wow...anyway here's my 10 a day
1. Leavitts giving me s treadmill!!!!!!
2. Spending time with the Leavitts, connecting and finding support with them... Learning about our issues and finally figuring out why we struggle so much!
3. Isabel playing with the kids and exploring a new home.
4. Isabel enjoying the nature walk , or neighborhood walk. Walking at least half of the way with us and not running into the street. Knowing the boundaries. And walking with us willingly!
5. Isabel's increased efforts to talk.
6. Josh's love towards me. His affection and help.
7. Josh stretching my legs so my hips got a stretch. Also back massage.
8. The lesson in young woman's ... On prayer and sis shriebers story about the girl with anxiety and depression that made such a huge influence on her. Knowing what to do to help her.
9. Planning out field trip ideas for Isabel, and setting the alarm for our schedule. Stsrting a routine. Need to pray for help to keep it.
10. Overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude I feel today. I feel a burden has been lifted. Treadmill for me....medicine for josh.... help with our afflictions and figuring out how to overcome them. God is reaching out his hand to offer help.

Gratitude day #7 - Others have been here too

Today began well. It started late because I went to bed late and was woken up a couple times by Isabel. So 10 am was the wake time. Regardless, I felt rested. It is a 24 hr solo day so I started out with lots of momentum and hope for a good day. I am going to start following a schedule. So I carved out specific time to do certain things. Mainly when Isabel's playtime was (independent play) and structured play. I really enjoy the distinction. Independent play gives both of us time to relax and get a break from one another, while structured play gives us intentional interactive time together. It's about an hour or more . I do daily devotionals - prayer, hymn, studies, pictures. Then we do a craft or whatever the planned activity is for the day. The theme was apples for the week/month because she is already grasps words and concepts , and is grasping them rapidly!

It makes me so happy that she is pointing to body parts, and also to objects in books, and things around the home. It also makes me realize how much she is soaking in! Perfect time to regear and reset my intentions to start structured play.

I tried to keep 2 naps in the schedule and it worked. I think she does still need two naps. Both were about 2 hours each. This girl sleeps a lot! I am so grateful for that!! I think she knows what I can handle.

Midday is the tough part of the day and I started feeling down and depressed. Isabel was throwing tantrums and seems to be screaming now. It's like she does it because she can't tell me what she wants. She also dislikes the word no, but sometimes I don't know what else to say. Especially when she won't eat , puts marbles in her mouth, and doesn't listen to me when I tell her no. I am not sure how to go about it in a better way. Perhaps that's a subject to be prayed over.

I felt better in the evening after her second nap. I guess I read a few things from the home making bundle that gave me a sense of hope and motivation to get out of this funk. It was a book from the homemaking bundle that gave meal plan ideas, also scheduler ideas from a faith based perspective. "Grace not perfection" I think I was gently reminded that I needed to give myself a break and to congratulate myself on making this step forward. I wrote a letter to Laurel via email because I needed to vent to someone who understood and is non judgmental.

Anyways, the day was rainy and dreary, the day was long being alone all day, but I made it and I ended on a positive. I got the kitchen spic and span. I took a shower and applied essential oils. Unfortunately it's 1/pm .

10
1. Essential oils, even though I don't use them enough they make me feel peaceful and balanced. Breathe opens up my airways and I can definitely feel a difference.
2. A clean clean kitchen.
3. A shower.
4. A schedule and routine to fall back on.
5. LDS podcasts app
6. Isabel eating supper finally. Discovering I need to chop up solid food very small for Isabel to eat it. (She used to eat big pieces so I'm not sure what changed. Maybe her stomach is telling her it can't digest big pieces of food).
7. For the hope that comes through christs atonement. Knowing God will and is leading me if I let him. That life won't always be this dark and gloomy. Dwelling on hope.
8. My failures, they have taught me wisdom and what doesn't work and what isn't practical. Failed binders and organizational attempts. Failed systems, failed meals, failed obligations, failed self care, failed love and patience. Learning what won't work is helping me find what will.
9. Gods grace-- things are never as hard as they could be. I have time to relax. I don't have to worry about work. I can focus on my family. I have the opportunity and time to put into my self. Thanks Josh.
10. Learning others feel the same way and go through same feelings. Learning to be proud of being a stay at home mom. Knowing others are doing it too and proudly. I need not be ashamed of my calling .

1. Her attempts at talking to me.
2. Josh's curiosity and open mindedness .
3. Getting back up even when I fall down.

Triggers

Triggers of depression :
No exercise
No routine
Nothing to look forward to
No friends
Long periods of alone time - being without josh and alone with baby
Weight gain
Not knowing my life purpose
A home that doesn't reflect who I am.
Messy home. Unorganized.
Sugar cravings
Struggling with my calling
No energy, feet hurting
Not taking care of myself
Unable to find time to do things I love

I need to get this out there. Today has been up and then down again. It's been a long day. I am just struggling. And I need to recognize the negative so I can start to turn them into positives.

First of all I need to work on routine. I feel that is the basis or foundation of my struggle. For me to find the time to fit everything in to my day I need to conquer a routine.

Gratitude day #6 - begin and end the day with gratitude

Today started out rough. I didn't start the day with gratitude. All I could think of was the feeling of hopelessness. "Just another day of this." I felt overwhelmed with chaos and the feeling that I was never going to rise above the madness. On top of it josh has begun studying every morning for the ACT, then work in the evening, and tomorrow is another 24 hr shift. I felt weighted down by fatigue, sore feet, and a sore belly and back. I am just full of negativity. I realize this. I think I realize it more now because A. I started this gratitude journal so these thoughts and feelings vibrate at a much lower frequency than the feelings I end the day with. B. Someone pointed out to me that I have depression. It really hit me when I was told this. I realized that my issue was real. It explains why I struggle to be happy. Why I struggle to find peace and contentment. Why I feel lonely and isolated. Why it takes me so much energy to do a simple task.

So this knowledge is fresh and new right now. But what a revelation. I can say I am grateful to finally realize it. I just need to figure out how to conquer and overcome it.

I was led, by a series of random desicions, to buy a bundle of books that came at a extremely good price about homemaking and how to manage it all. I'll post a link sometime soon. There are like 90 books in it. Also free eclasses and handouts and just lots of resources for me to dive into. The one I was led to was called rhythm, routines and schedules . it lines out clear routines and schedules to put your babies and toddlers in by age group. I am definitely going to refer to this now and when the new baby comes. It outlines things clearly and helped me understand the difference between independent play, structured play, and free play, and family time. It helps me divide my day job into manageable chunks instead of just endless chunks of time where nothing is planned.
Organizing my schedule I realize that structured play is so important!!/check out structuredplay.blogspot.com , I was so inspired by the practical advice given in a way I could totally grasp.

So I feel so much more lighter. I feel like I have things more under control and things are looking up. God is answering my silent prayers in unique ways. I know I am a good mother. I know I am doing the best I can. I know that I will improve and progress. I know that this is all that matters.

This blog helps me so much! It helps me ground myself and reminds me when I've been off and reverting back to the old ways. I know this is something the Lord desires of me to do. I know he speaks through ordinary people. I know he loves me and is working really hard to help me. I asked for angels to assist me last night in this journey.

I have much to be grateful for. My heart is overwhelmed in the present with feelings of thanks to my God. I feel as though he's given me a life saver. I know I need to get right with the Lord and continue to make place for prayer and study. This will help.

10 things for the day:
1. Homemaking bundle that came with 90 books and e courses. For finding it.
2. Finding a blog helping me understand structured play and how to facilitate it with my daughter. I feel less afraid than before of playtime.
3. Lesson plans with my daughter. I am very excited to start those!!
4. Josh getting work off early and surprising me at Lakeview Park. Getting little ceasers and going to the cemetery to eat it. :)
5. Cleaning off a bunch of headstones that were covered up by grass clippings. I felt the appreciation , and such a simple task.
6. Shirts that don't accentuate the belly. Comfy shirts and clothes.
7. Discovering I have depression. The missing link. Realizing gratitude is the opposite of depression and fear. Now this all makes total sense.
8. A long walk at Lakeview Park. Isabel walking more so than he used to with me.
9. Isabel pointing to the ladybug in the book I got at the library when I asked her where the ladybug was!!
10. A message from Josh's updates on Isabel that said it's normal to not understand what your child is saying at 17 months, that their tongue muscles are still forming . I realize not to stress. Isabel is developing fine and at her own pace.

Isabel
1. Her sweet spirit. Really. She is very thoughtful and kind.

Josh
1. Creative thinker. Knows how to fix things.

Rachel
1. A good mom and teacher.

Graditude day #5 - Fun is what makes a Family

It is true, fun is the glue that makes family, family!
One of the things I absolutely LOVE Josh an his family is they always put fun first. Fun is the bond that keeps us coming back for more.

I had fun growing up, but I felt my parents were more so passive and preferred to sit in front of the TV . I do remember them doing fun things with us when I was younger, and those are the things I remember the most.

In my mind, money is not an issue. Priorities first - families are built on fun and togetherness. Being willing to play is so imoortant!! This is one thing I love about josh and something he will pass on to our children. My family was more serious and less playful. So I'm less playful. But I have a strong desire for playfulness. I'm just not as good at initiating it.

Today we finally got to experience family fun! Isabel is finally old enough to interact and play. We filled up the pool and Isabel kept climbing in. At first it was way too cold. So we just played around outside and the sun really warmed us up. She started trying to climb in (tried to put the chair in the pool ). So we let her. She actually enjoyed it!! She had a blast! Splashing and trying to get Papa back with the cup of water. She kept getting herself wet though! I secretly think she enjoyed it though. Even though she was surprised by it every time. Ohh.... It couldn't have been a mode perfect day outside. I also got to mow the lawn. I actually enjoy doing that. It's good exercise and good for getting sun.

10 for the day:
1. Mowing the lawn, that we have a yard to mow and I have a body that I can mow it with.
2. A free blow up pool, tarp, and toys and free things given to us!
3. A daughter that is fun and playful like her daddy <3 Could I love her more??
4. Protection from my angels.
5. Naps
6. Reminders that I need to take better care of my body... :)/:(
7. For realizing how stuck I am in a never ending cycle, learning from the hog that I need to face my fears and confront the lies I've been telling myself. For feeling like I'm trapped in this hole. It is making me feel the desire to pray and seek help.
8. Family bonding and laughing with my family.
9. That Isabel eats whole carrots!
10. For Isabel "speaking sentences. In her own way.

Graditude Day #4 - Learning to Savor the Small

Life is all in the tiny moments. It's the insignificant pieces that add up that create the significant whole. Sometimes you have to crouch down low and squint to start to see it. To see the beauty. Yet, in a few year's time it will be so obvious - blatantly obvious.

It's hard to see in the moment, during the quiet moments and long hours that seem to last forever. During the monotony of "just another day".

I have been stuck in the mindset of happiness always being "an arms reach" away.  I never seem to grasp the happy moments of my life because I feel as though I am not there yet. I am not quite to that ideal place in life -- where we are finally "settled in", established and making enough money to have all the happiness that it can buy.

Photography helps me capture these tiny moments. I realize I need to do it more than I have. I've been stuck in a whirlwind of "gotta get this done". I am letting these tiny moments slip past me without being able to savor. Instead I feel more like I am just trying to hurry and swallow these moments up, barely chewing.

Look at this beautiful angel. She is such a presence in my life. Such a force. She is so raw, and untouched by the evil of this world. She is melting my heart on a daily basis and grounding me firmly in the earth - or at least motivating me to be more grounded. To get my head out of the clouds.

The hardest part about being a full-time Mom is that these small moments happen so often and every day that they seem insignificant and some times enduring these small moments can feel burdensome - especially when all you want to do is relax, and do your own thing. It is easy to lose ourselves and our identity in this mindset. As much as I whine and complain about this being a hard work - because it IS the hardest work and we all have to work through this trial in our own individual ways - part of me feels as though we are looking at full time mom status all wrong.

Jesus taught that when we lose ourselves in serving our fellow men we find ourselves. Here is the key >> If we do it with the right intent, and with the right heart, and with charity in our hearts. I know this charity that is spoken of in the scriptures is something that I have not had, not very strongly.

I am self-absorbed. I am self-interested. I am the center of my universe. Not God. Not others. Me me me.

Now I know it is important [i.e. IMPERATIVE] to put ourselves and our needs first so that we can take care of others. But I feel as though I never move past this phase of "helping myself". I never get to helping others. It is always too tiresome or burdensome to me. Its utterly draining. I suppose this same thing has happened to me in my mothering.

I have not had the right heart, right perspective, right mindset. The mindset is that as "mother" I am in a victim: powerless, helpless, and trapped. Unable to breathe.

When I change my mindset - something this gratitude journal has helped me to do - I recognize the good in the "bad" and I am grateful in my trials. I recognized the other day that I was only grateful for the good things in my life. So I tried to challenge myself. I attempted to find the positive in what once seemed negative to me. Like Isabel's newfound aversion to many foods. It has been such a tiresome, burdensome challenge for me to have to figure out what to feed her. It is hard enough being pregnant to feed my self and my family. Having to think of alternatives or ways to alter the foods I feed her so that she gets the nutrition she needs was stressful on me. I am not the best at coming up with inspired or creative solutions to problems. Mainly because the stress and pressure of having to do so prevents me from being inspired or coming up with creative solutions. Also - did I mention I am the most indecisive person EVER? Being a Mom requires you to be decisive and to think quickly to fix problems. It requires energy and brain power that I honestly don't have, especially right now 28 weeks preggo.

Yet - I was able to turn a negative into a positive by just changing the way I saw my small trial. It is helping me to be more patient. It is helping me to remember to stop and just savor these small moments - these small trials - and to see the beauty in it all. Gratitude helps you to slow down and just be in the moment with a heart of love.

Gratitude has always been a vague, "catch phrasey" word to me that I never really considered or took seriously or tried to actually apply. I didn't really understand it either. I think I am beginning to see.

Here we go with my 10 for the day:

1. Learning how one person's hell can be another's heaven. Recognizing that something that  I would hate to do can actually be something someone else loves to do. What is the difference? An additude change. I went to a flea market today and no one was there but me. The stuff in it seemed like junk and I kept thinking who would want to buy this stuff, and who would want to sell all this stuff?? Then I overheard the owner saying he used to do something else for a living but now he does this and loves it. He seemed genuinely happy. He must be doing alright, too. Just gave me a perspective change. 

2. The idea to re arrange all Isabel's toys into the sunroom. Keeps things in one spot and makes it easier to keep the house clean. 

3. The library. For Isabel getting to run out her energy up there. Also for her new interest in books. 

4. A day away from josh. I get to be single mom and learn self reliance on these days. It's teaching me to be stronger and less afraid. 

5. My parents being so near. Having them near by to hang out with and to escape to on days like today when I am tired and need some company. 

6. Learning about my spirit power animals. The big and the silvery majestic dragon. 

7. For the progress Isabel has made. For now many words she knows and points to, even though she hasn't really said anything yet. I felt the impression of how well I was doing with teaching her. Even though my efforts don't seem obvious now they will soon enough. Gives me motive to keep going. 

8. Icecream. Just what I needed today. 

9. This nice home to come home to. It feels like home more and more. Isabel is at home here.

10. The luxury of a car and gas to get out of the house and explore and go places. 

 Isabel

1. Her silliness, and playfulness. It reminds me so much of her dad. 

Josh

Patience with me

Rachel

For starting this blog

Graditude day #3 - the power of teamwork

So today started out rough. I got to bed late partly on my own account, partly because it was hot, and partly because I'm 28 weeks pregnant and just can't find a comfortable place on the bed. Isabel woke up twice and both times josh got up to tend to her. So grateful. However Isabel woke at 7 am too. So I was at a grouchy start. Josh was late also at getting up. His new goal for studying the act was 6-10 am. I was frustrated because I wanted things to be set in stone. I just want some kind of order and routine in my life. If he changes the time he studies every day than it makes it hard for me to plan life around it.

Luckily the day got better. Maybe it started with reading the book of Mormon and prayer around the table while eating lunch -josh initiated. We rested and relaxed as well. Then we got up and josh had a bunch of stuff to do, people to call. I felt like I needed to take over and give him a break and do the work for him while he gave me a break by taking Isabel outside and playing with her. I was more than happy for my break. So I felt like we got a lot done today. I guess we need to help each other out more, to ease one another's burdens. It definitely made my day more joyful and light. I'll have to think of other ways I can do this.

1. Thunderstorms!
2. My big belly. The blessing of being able to carry a child, the miracle of a flexible body.
3. Josh's playful nature , kid at heart personality. Isabel gets to have so much fun with her Papa. It brings out her playful nature and I absolutely love it.
4. Getting a lot checked off on Josh's list today. Figuring out how to apply to bctc, and making calls.
5. Baskin Robbins 88 cent cones and getting to watch Isabel attempt to lick the icecream from the cup. Enjoying the walk afterwards to see animals at an animal store.
6. Doing the laundry, getting dishes cleaned, clean Isabel's room.
7. Isabel being a picky eater. For the challenge of learning how to feed her. It is also showing me that I need to let go and relax a bit and let her go hungry at times so she will desire more variety of foods. Also gives me something to pray about.
8. Being able to stay home all day every day. It can get tiresome but how lucky am I to get to be home and focus only on my home and my family. I also get to go out and do fun stuff.
9. A body that can function. For not being sick while pregnant.
10. We have money to get by and do fun things and go out to eat. Huge blessing.

Isabel
1.Her curly hair!!! How it curls when it gets wet.
2. Her endless energy. The way she runs around the grocery store or any store when I let her down. Her squals.
3. The way she looked at me when I played you are my sunshine on my ukulele.

Josh
1. He's good with kids.
2. He is willing to change and ssy sorry. For how far he's come.

Rachel
1. Faith and desire to progress and do better.
2. Being kinder to myself. Letting myself make more mistakes and being more forgiving.

Gratitude day #2 - ups and downs

Life is hard. So much humanness to have to wade through. Life was much easier as an angel, up in heaven. I am thinking that the UPS and downs of life are inevitable. It's easy to want to ignore the bad when keeping a gratitude journal. I think though that it's important to recognize the bad AND be grateful for the bad... For the lessons and for the chance to come down here and learn.

1. For sleeping a full 8 hours and getting another nap in today!
2. Chicken for lunch and a yummy sub sandwich for dinner.
3. Figuring out a game plan for josh to study his ACT. 6-10 on days he's home. The rest of the day is free to other things. Spending time with us.
4. Josh going into the doctor to begin his ADHD medicine process. We were prompted through friends at church. The husband has almost the same issues as Josh with lack of focus and daydreaming etc. Good advice given to us that when you need to support a family medicine is extremely helpful and helps lift the burden so to speak. I think there is a reason she mentioned it especially before Josh goes to nursing school.
5. Isabel saying the word "no" like 5 times in a row according to Josh. She's been pushing boundaries more lately and we've had to establish them more. Like throwing food on the ground when we told her not to. She will keep doing it.
6. Promoting that I need to pray over how to teach Isabel and how to discipline her. Maybe ask what am I doing wrong, or how can I help encourage her to eat a variety of foods without forcing it on her. Establishing good habits early.
7. Family home evening. Printing off ten commandments visual for Isabel, even tho she didn't pay much attention. And our fhe learning about how to receive a remission of sins and helping josh learn too.
8. Josh's helping hands. I can't thank him enough for all he does to help lift my burdens with Isabel. I've been feeling so tired and weak lately. He is always quick to change her diaper or help out.
9. Perfect weather. Light breeze. Open windows.
10. The song "angel" sung by David archuleta.

Things I love about my daughter isabel:
1. Her unconditional love towards me and us. Her smile that lights up my life.
2. Her laugh. Her laugh. Her laugh!!!

Things I love of my husband:
1. His healing touch.
2. His faithfulness. Willingness.
3. His service and love. Sacrifice.

Things I love about myself:
1. Sincere caring towards others I love.
2. My hair. Even though it is crazy and drives me crazy. At the end of the day I love it. It makes me me.

Graditude journal, taking off my rose colored glasses

I was told the other day by a friend and prompted 3 times in the past 2 days to begin an old fashioned gratitude journal. It really isn't something I have had the desire or motivation to do.

I went to Time Out for Women in Cincinnati yesterday and one of the speakers at the end mentioned a gratitude journal. A friend of mine sitting next to me had just had a discussion about it with me where she was telling me I should do it. I was like, yea yea. I'll start but I know I won't keep up with it!

On the drive back home from TOFW we got into a pretty deep discussion about spiritual blocks and what keeps me from being able to use my spiritual gifts.

I am really putting this whole story into a nutshell but what she told me was she felt that I had spiritual glasses.
I had just learned about this in my intuitive healing class! My mentor told me that when perceiving auras some can be off a sbade or two. Or more because they are wearing glasses (tinted and could be any color). This is where the term  "Rose colored glasses" comes from.

She said these glasses you have on prevent you from being able to see your true self. And of seeing the truth. The main issue being I am too hard and judgmental of myself.

The main remedy I was left coming away with was to do this gratitude journal. " don't half A it either!" She said. Okay, okay. I will do this!!

I know turning negative thoughts to positive is a very powerful exercise. It completely re wires our brains. I know there is a power in it. I know so now I have to do! Every day!!

April 24 2014, sunday

1. Mom and Sister babysat Isabel and I got a full 8 hours of sleep in.
2. Woke up exactly at 8 am even without an alarm. Gave me plenty of time to get ready for church. Got to church on time!
3. All the kicking I feel going on in my belly. This baby is active and full of life. There's hardly an hour that goes by that i don't feel him!
4. Receiving confirmation through the same friend that told me to do this journal that the name should be Noah Joseph. I told her I was thinking of Noah and she said "I love Noah Joseph", my mouth went wide and I was like how did you know?? Did I tell you that was what I was thinking for the middle name?? She said no. She was saying nolin Joseph was her best friends boys name, and why she randomly said it I don't know. She's got that spiritual gift. There's no way she could have known.
5. Getting a nap today!! Slept for at least an hour and a half. Oh so refreshing.... And Izzy took a long nap too.
6. Sidewalk chalk. Isabel enjoyed playing with it for a good while.
7. A long walk to Lakeview Park, and getting sun.
8. My Mom messaging me letting me know she missed Isabel and enjoyed her being at my parents all weekend.
9. The smoothie/milkshake that completely rejuvenated me.
10. Being able to sit here and have the time to reflect and meditate on the positive.

Why our spiritual compass (liahona) sometimes stops working against our will

While reading 1 Nephi 18 the thought came to me that the Liahona can be likened, energetically, to our polarity.

What is human polarity? 
Our bodies are like magnets. Like magnets our bodies have poles (North & South, and also East and West). In a healthy person, the energy is free flowing in a current that is north-south polar (north facing). In an unhealthy person the polarity can be switched e.g. can be E-W, W-E, S-N.

There are many reasons that a person's polarity may be "off". When polarity is "off" it typically means that there is a blockage of life-energy. Pain, emotionally and physically can be the result of this blocked energy.

I don't claim to be an expert in this area, but I do know that our bodies are electrical in nature - and all things are energy and energy can be manipulated and affected by many different external stimuli.

Here is an excerpt from another blog that mentions explains polarity a bit more in depth.

And here is a basic summary of polarity therapy and the history of it for anyone interested.
So I have much more research to do in this area.

One thing I know for sure is that my polarity is off and has been off. According to an intuitive healer my body has literally never known how to be N-S polar. She said I was E-W and she's only seen that one time before.

Upon receiving this information it was as if lightning struck...."that's IT!" It felt so true and right to receive confirmation for what my body has been trying to tell me my entire life. I have sensed something being wrong and off my whole life (not feeling myself, not feeling like I can be myself, feeling low on energy and self-esteem, among many other things). The life force has literally never been able to flow freely through me. This has caused much pain. Spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Back to the Book of Mormon

Reading about how Nephi had cords tied around his wrists and ankles by his wicked brothers and family only after a few days of being out at sea, against his will, Nephi says this:

"And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel did take me and bind me with cords, and they did treat me with much harshness; nevertheless, the Lord did suffer it that he might show forth his power, unto the fulfilling of his word which he had spoken concerning the wicked.. and it came to pass that after they had bound me....the compass...did cease to work.

"And it came to pass that we were about to be swallowed up into the sea...my bretheren began to see that the judgments of God were upon them, and that they should perish save they should repent of their sins; wherefore they came unto me and loosed the bands which were upon my wrists and they had swollen exceedingly and also my ankles and great was the soreness thereof"

So physical pain related to wicked cords and binding. A righteous man. Against his will. On top of that the compass stopped working, and no one on the ship knew which way to steer it.

This is like the pain we experience when wicked men or women in our lives (ancestral, unclean spirits, family, friends) i.e. external stimuli of any sort - influence our energetic systems and bind us down that our compass or polarity literally stops working and points the wrong direction. It had nothing to do with Nephi. He just happened to be connected to the wickedness by being in the same physical area and was bound so that he could literally not do anything. 

Victims of other people's misuse of agency

Despite his victim status, Nephi did not act like one - he continued in the manner of praising and glorifying God:

"Nevertheless I did look unto my God and did praise him all the day long and did not murmer because of mine afflictions."

Even though his compass (source of revelation ceased working), he abides patiently. He prays for help, and believes it will all work out.

Our polarity can be affected by the misuse of other people's agency

The big "unfair" thing is that all of us are born into this world with bodies that are predisposed to spiritual and physical issues inherited by our ancestors, and sometimes reaffirmed by mortal experiences.

Why does this happen? Like Nephi says - so that he can fulfill his word concerning the wicked, or concerning wickedness.


This seems so harsh. But recall all the many instances in the scriptures where the Lord does this: allowing bad things to happen to the innocent -- descendants of wicked men -- because he is simply fulfilling his words. He can't bless the posterity of wicked men. They didn't abide certain laws or commandments. The sin be on the heads of the parents.

Yet even though these children experience some of the repercussions of sin in this life (physical and spiritual pains), they will not be held accountable in the next life for it. What they WILL be held accountable for is how they used their agency despite their trials. \God has lightened every man who comes into this world with tools - the light of Christ or the holy spirit. We are not powerless. We have the power, and the agency and all the tools necessary to make it back into his presence. We are not permanent and helpless victims.

We come here with all the tools we need.

We can be like Nephi, who praised and glorified God despite being held against his will and punished unfairly. We do not have to become bitter. We do not have to sit and stew. We can turn to God and he will heal us. Sometimes it takes patience. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes nothing makes sense. But we have to believe that his promises are sure, and that he has set the way before us.

We can be free from the natural man and the bodies we have inherited! 

We are called to be saviors on Mt. Zion for our ancestors. They NEED us not only to do their temple work but to help them process unresolved emotions and deal with trauma and sometimes sin. This is the mindblowing thing. Our job is to hand it over to the Lord - as if they were here - but they cannot do it themselves without our help. 

I am hoping that someday my polarity will be permanently healed. I know it can be. I am getting the sense right now that it may be tied to an ancestor and when I help them heal I will heal myself.

Will need to pray about this!




 

Difference between forgiveness of sins and remission of sins

A lightbulb finally went off last night.

I have been feeling prompted very strongly for the past 6 months to repent.

However, I've struggled to understand the concept of repentance. I have had a very strong urge to do so, but when I go to do it it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel sincere.

Is it enough to just say "sorry?" and then expect to be washed clean?

It just never sat well with me. Yes, it is supposed to be simple. Christ isn't going to make coming back into his presence complicated or impossible for us to do. Yet, I feel as though we actually simplify the process too much. We make the process much too easy. The way I have felt, at least, is a carelessness about the whole atonement process.

All I have to do is pray and say sorry and never do that thing again. Okay. I can do that.

Yet. I still felt uncomfortable with something. I feel as though that by thinking of repentence in this way that i'm leaving something undone. No (sincere) change has been made. I felt as though outwardly I am doing better. But inwardly my thought process hasn't changed (much).

Then my mind recalled the many scriptures that recounted miraculous healings and miraculous changes of hearts. In the story of Alma (the first), he was completely healed. He no longer had the same desires. He was a 'new creature' or a new man. He had been literally spiritually reborn.

When Jesus healed the sick and afflicted, did he heal them only half way? Or did he heal them completely?

He healed them completely.

Remission of sins is what happens when Christ heals us or washes us completely.
Sure he will forgive us of ONE sin. Like cutting one branch off of the tree at one time. But there is a better way, and faster way to get rid of a cumbersome tree. It is the way written of in many accounts in the scriptures. We just don't believe we can ever experience the same things. We don't believe.

Why is it that as members of the church we have this notion of it taking 'so long' to overcome our infirmities and issues. God tells us that the whole point of this gospel is to help us to experience that "mighty change of heart" where we no longer have ANY desire or disposition to do evil, but we are given the desire and disposition to do good continually.

To me this seems to happen almost instantaneously. At-One-Ment. When this happens to us we experience a profound change, a noticeable change, a POWERFUL change. It is not like just taking one chink out of a log. It is like cutting an entire tree down in one setting. That is the power of the atonement. Why is it that we only chose to embrace only a crumb of it?

When Christ washes us clean of all our sins, we have to be COMPLETELY submerged by the water. We aren't baptized body part by body part. Our pinky, foot, legs, then everything else. No. We are baptized by immersion because it symbolizes the completeness of the atonement. That it can completely wash us clean of ALL our sins, weaknesses and infirmities - all those issues that come to us by nature of being a natural man in the flesh.

When we are "born again" we are literally washed clean of all our sins. The atonement isn't about getting rid of one sin. It is about getting rid of that one sin and all sin that led to that sin. In other words, it gets rid of the root cause of our problems and replaces the bad root with a new seed or new heart.

When you receive a new heart - it changes EVERYTHING. Your outlook changes.

Think "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". The Grinch, after his mighty change of heart, did not simply say sorry for stealing all the Christmas gifts and go on his way, back to his ways. His heart literally grew 10 times bigger (or whatever number it was). He then had the desire not just to abstain from evil, but to DO GOOD. So he gave all the presents back, and then desired to be among the people, to enjoy their company and to give love to others. To reach out and give back.

In my experience, repentence has NOT given me this mighty change of heart. It has not changed my heart or given me the desire to do good continually. I usually put off doing good as long as I can because it seems to take so much work and effort.

So I realize I have a lot of work to do.

Here are the quotes out of the book.... that gave me this "lightbulb" moment last night. I hope it helps you grasp the concept of the atonement too.

Learning this has helped me feel that repentence is attainable! Also, that Christ doesn't expect me to just say sorry and then be washed clean. He wants me to do some preliminary preparation before he will lead me to the "tree of life" - or "the love of God" --- when all my sins will be remitted and i'll be washed clean. He knows that there is a lot of preparation to do to prepare my heart for this change. He has to till the soil, so it's soft. He has to water. He has to fertilize. He has to make sure it's in the right spot.

In other words - he has to speak to us through the holy spirit of the Lord. He has to prompt us with ideas and small and simple things. Like praying. Reading scriptures. Asking forgiveness of those you've offended. Getting your life in order. All this is part of holding on to the iron rod. Eventually that rod of iron will lead to the tree of life (remission of sins) but it takes some time, and work, and lots of listening and lots of obedience.

My first prompting is to finish reading this book. I have a feeling I will receive further impression on what I am to do.

I feel so ENLIGHTENED. I know Heavenly Father is leading me , and I know that he has tried many times to lead me. Even though I gave up. He didn't give up. He keeps on trying. I have felt him prompting me many times, and many times I wouldn't listen.

Part of it is that I didn't understand how to listen. I just didn't "get it".

Now that I understand the role of the holy spirit, and recognize that he often speaks to us through our own consciousness, I am more open and my ears are more sensitive to the whispers. I used to just write off the thoughts or ideas that came to me as "my thoughts" and so because of doubt I wouldn't act on them. I didn't recognize I was receiving revelation. I didn't give the spirit the credit.

This was one of Satan's tactics to keep me going in a never ending circle.

Well I am hoping and believing that this is my moment of breaking free of that cycle. I am ready to be free of that cycle of sin and disbelief. I am ready to believe and move and to do good.