Day 20 - losing focus & gaining perspective

1. Josh getting a day off of work so he could be home 5 days in a row. I feel so spoiled to have the time I have been given with him! Isabel loves it. And it helps me cope with my pregnancy. Things are getting tough for me.
2. Josh's medication. ADHD pills. It is teaching us a lot about our bodies. The way we react to medication can signify deeper u derlying issues that aren't being resolved. The issues josh has experienced has helped us to pin point what it is that is really going on. The fact that his ears pop every time his meds kick in and help him hear and smell better all lead me to believe that there has to be a connection with the way blood flows in and out of this area of the brain (all connected to the sinus') and why it is affecting his sinus'. We both feel it has something to do with blood circulation to his brain. This led me to research a ton... And came to cranial sacral therapy which seems to explain why he is experiencing what he is. Conventional doctors don't seem to make mention of any of this stuff and just lead people along never really leading them to true healing. I feel this therapy may help guide him to the right area . this therapy suggests ADHD can be related to pre birth trauma and the way neck is positioned/none structure. It is a lead. Trusting God.
3. Talking to George and lisa today about energy healing! How George is more open to it now. Love having family who get it!
4. Learning that Lisa uses a pendulum. After I was promoted to start using one (instead of muscle testing).
5. Going to the arbetoreum today. Playing in the bamboo forest with Isabel. Running around the park exploring.
6. Essential oils. And Apple cider vinegar. I realize they do make me feel better and I want to start using them more.
7. New desk that josh made from our old one. He cut it in half now we have two!
8. Saying prayers with isabel in the morning and before bed. Reading a night time book with her. Seeing her interest in the book.
9. The joy I see in Isabel's face when she plays with her daddy. For dads unending abundance of energy and his enthusiasm for playing with Isabel when I can't.
10. A treadmill that works great!! Thank you Leavitts. I walked a mile at least.

Prayer. Gifts of the spirit. The light of Christ and the holy ghost. My crystals. My parents. My sister. My body. My mind. Hope. Hope. And hope.

Day #19 -Finding my focus

1. My pink crystal quartz rock gifted to me by a girl in my energy healing group. I meditated with it today and about fell asleep it relaxed me so. I read later that that is one of the effects of Rose quartz, it makes you sleepy and calms you down.
2. Impression to write out my prayer to God. And having him impress me to meditate with my Rose quartz in instead of clean.
3. Isabel sleeping 14 hours straight! From 7p-10am! Wow. Growth spurt or something? She normally wakes in the night. I got 9 hours.
4. Catching up on emails and texts with people.
5. Having a friendly kitty come and play with Isabel and I. It made her so happy. She kept chasing it and it never hissed or bit her.
6. Cooler weather , I was able to wear a big sweater outside and didn't have to worry about finding s shirt to wear.
7. Being led to reiki and to lis powers class...apparently I'm on the fbpage, but when I go to see if I'm there I'm not... So it seems like a sign to me. I feel like I need to receive attunements to help me advance spiritually. Also to help me heal myself and my family.
8. Toys that Shannon and Denise gave us.
9. Isabel being more attentive and less irritable (most of the time) and more interested in reading books.
10. Time to relax and research things on the internet. Time to unwind and think.
11. Getting my hair to look good in a bun today.

Day 18 - Earthquakes and 100 Desicions

I've been so overwhelmed with desicions. I don't even know the beginning of it.
The future is as bright as your faith.
Well I am going to need lots of faith and even more prayer to get through all this.
I believe miracles are happening everyday. I believe that God works in mysterious ways and when he leads us down one path that winds up being a dead end road it is because he needs us to learn wisdom to prepare us for the road ahead.
All I know right now is that things will be changing. And life may get a bit uncomfortable for the next couple of years. But it will be a sacrifice worth making and one that will push and test me , and deliver me at the same time.

Moving back in with my parents is not something that I originally planned, wanted of even considered an option!

Well the road God took me down showed me that the road I was on wasn't the road that would lead me to safety or prosperity. In fact it would have led us to longer term bondage and much hardship.

Buying a home was a sensible option because it is cheaper to buy than rent...in a sense... But maybe not in the long run. The down payment is binding. The upkeep drains . The being stuck in one place isn't good either. This may not be where we are meant to live long term.

So life has been a rollercoaster the past two - three days and I feel like I'm rebounding from a mild depression. I suppose thinking about the negatives and not focusing on positives is causing me to lose sight of God's hand. Forgetting to journal in here and being so extremely fatigued is wearing me out.

Well time to change things around.

1. Free toys Denise gave us. For Isabel finding friends in Shannon and Denises' kids.
2. Creative play with Isabel. Doing one thing a day that teaches her something new.
3. Isabel pointing to her head, ears, eyes, nose, mouth!
4. Hope of a bright future. Josh and nursing school. Long term possibly nurse anaesthetic.
5. Daily walks and for a body that is healthy despite everything that could go wrong.
6. Being able to plan a mini vacation and having money to do so.
7. My parents generosity.
8. My sister's help.
9. The sweet peace I felt when we decided to live with my parents after almost buying a house.
10. Reminders to pray.
11. Nursery.
12. Change. That we are moving forward again even though it is uncomfortable.
13. Hope. Hope that I will find my calling or passion in life.

Graditude day #17 - Future Plans, Country Living, and Dragons

We will cut straight to 10 Fe the day

1. Going to Midway college and getting a feel for the campus, reassurance that all will be well and all will work out.
2. Meeting up with Bonnie Fint at our Bald Knob Rd home. We love a lot of things about it. It's perfect for us and we hope that everything will work in our favor for the home.
3. Ruth messaging me back and telling me more details about my session. Helping me understand that the creature on my back is gone and I really am fine and okay . reassurance that my dragon is protecting me, that angels are around me, that I can overcome. I have seriously been feeling so reassured lately and surrounded in love.
4. Feeling surrounded in love. Finally not feeling alone and empty. Feeling the hand of God in my life helping me cope.
5. Josh deciding to take a sick day tomorrow....(what a relief) my body seriously needs time to recooperated and doing a 24 hour day is a huge burden on my body right now. I need to rest...
6. Josh emailing Ruth for his own session .
7. Josh doing the dishes
8. Being told that I was close to the dragons in the premortal realm. That I knew Ruth's sister who was also involved with them in the pre earth world. Thinking about meeting her gets me excited.
9. Discussing the rules in our home and the need to come together in unity with Josh on them. Setting up rules for our house like the structure for Isabel. What we will and won't allow. How to help her find order and consistency....example: getting rid of high chair and feeding her only with silly cuo and letting her eat as she pleases in a big girls chair...leaving the food there for her to eat later even if she decides she's not hungry . give her a second chance if she is picky by altering what we make (add sugar) to help Isabel want to eat. We are still talking about other rules.
10. Josh working so hard for our family. I really really appreciate his hard work for us. Bless him with strength and love. I pray he will be able to handle his load.

Gratitude day #15 - sticking to my guns!

I'm not sure why I made this my title, I just felt like today was one of those days where I just had to stick to my guns!

In other words, stick to my goals and work hard even though I would much rather give up the ghost or have a breakdown!

My main goals right now are simple.
Stick to my meal plan. Prepare healthy and wholesome meals for myself and family.
Daily devotionals
Prayer in the morning and at night before bed.
Read Isabel books
Do a couple creative activities with her
Go on a walk
Get out of the house and explore
Keep the house clean.

I don't do this perfectly, but so far I've been keeping up. However I'm beginning to slow down a lot . my body cannot walk long distances anymore nor can I do long putting with a cranky Isabel. I have a hard time carrying her. It makes it so hard to keep going in the day when my feet hurt and I wonder when will I ever get a break?

Today is a josh at work all day , day. So I made it. And I'm happy. I hope my body goes back to normal after this pregnancy. So I am not so dependent on others or on josh.

Ten

1. The meal plan day two, the yummy Asian salad I made. It feels good to eat so well from home!!!
2. Recipe book Donna got me to put all my new recipes in.
3. Ruth , energy healer, offering to help me do work on my babies.
4. Learning new methods to cook different ingredients. Pureeing cauliflower! It was actually very easy! Now that I've done it, I've already overcome that mental block, and it will only be easier to eat healthy from here on out.
5. Got basil at Wilson's nursery's.
6. For Isabel. She's teaching me how to be a better person and motivates me to get myself and my life in line.
7. All the gifts I've been given from my family. I've been given a lot!
8. Hope. One of my biggest blessings is the hope I've felt come through the atonement. To know it'll be fine .
9. A bed. That Isabel is sleeping well.
10. Grace. For magical moments of grace and help I receive that gets me through each day. Even if it's nothing visible or big. Sometimes it's just a feeling of peace that averts a earthquake. Or a breakdown.

GRACE is the missing link: An LDS perspective

I'm a Mormon, or Latter-Day Saint. While I wholeheartedly believe that Joseph Smith restored truth to the earth, I don't believe we always understand the truth that is there for us to a fullness. I feel that "grace" in our religion is one of those misunderstood doctrines. It is perhaps a cultural belief that  we we only receive the grace of god after all we can possibly do (aka, after doing all the work we can on our own THEN Christ makes up the rest). However, that is not what the scripture means. I had a teacher at BYU-Idaho tell us once that the scripture should actually read "after all we can do...to come unto HIM."

In terms of receiving his enabling power we simply have to come unto him and believe that he can change us, and that he is mighty to save. You don't have to be perfect to qualify for this power. You don't even need to have a temple recommend, or even be a member of the church. The grace of God is administered in my understanding through the holy spirit. All men have the spirit, not all have the holy ghost. The Holy spirit speaks to us through our conscience. It enlightens us, guides us, leads us to do that which is good. It leads us to do that which we would normally not do, think, or say. It leads us to do what is completely unexpected.

This is why I rejoice when I understand the missing link between my righteous desires ~ and the actual fulfillment of those desires. I cannot be the only one who feels overly frusterated when I try to do all I can do (of my own will) and continue to come up short. Why? It is because I and others do not understand that we are missing the entire point of the atonement! Through that atonement the Lord is able to offer us power, through his grace, to help us overcome all things. That means A. we cannot do all we can do and expect to get to the gates of heaven. We have to do all we can do to come unto Christ, to know him, to trust him, to obey him. He will not ask us to do more than we are able. He will lead us line upon line, precept upon precept. As long as we are obeying the promptings of the spirit we will receive his grace to continue in this way until we reach our goals. All goals and any righteous goals that we may have can be attained through this method.

My favorite quote from my favorite talk by LDS - Brad Wilcox, "His Grace Is Sufficient" This talk changed my life!

 I am so sad it took me so long to understand this. Luckily the Lord led me to this talk by Brad Wilcox entitled "His Grace Is Sufficient." It changed my entire life.

I wanted to share this excerpt with you out of a book entitled "Grace Goals" by Arabah Joy. I just started reading and stumbled upon this:

Scripture tells us Christ has purchased the provision we need to change and has given us everything we need to live a life of progressive godliness! (II Peter 1:3)

But how?

There’s this passage I stumbled on in II Thessalonians around the same time my friend first confided her addiction to me. It’s Paul speaking here, the same author of Romans 7:15, and again he speaks of desires, those yearnings for godliness. But get this: instead of rehashing the angst of Romans 7, he says, “We constantly pray for you, that our God may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness... according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (II Thessalonians 1:11-12, NIV)

When I first read those verses, something connected, like a missing piece of the puzzle. On one hand we have godly desire~ those yearnings for righteousness ~ and on the other we have the fulfillment of those desires in the living out of our daily lives. And that missing piece, the thing in the middle that connects the two? It is...
Well, read this passage again so you see it for yourself:

“We constantly pray for you, that our God may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness... according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” II Thessalonians 1:11-12, NIV

Do you see it? Our godly desires are fulfilled “according to” or “by” the grace that God gives us.
Does this fire you up? It sure does me! God is willing to fulfill our desires for godliness and put rubber on the tarmac of our spiritual lives and He does it through the provision of grace.

Now I know grace is one of those Christian-ese terms we throw around a lot and sing about it. We think we understand it because, well, we’ve all experienced it to some degree or another. But let me tell you, grace is extremely practical. 

Grace is the power of God. It is more than God’s forgiveness when we do wrong... it is God’s enablement to do right. Grace is what has the power to transform a person’s life.

Let me just show you what I mean... Titus 2:12 says the grace of God trains us and teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and to live self-controlled and godly lives.
Hebrews 13:9 says grace is what strengthens the heart. There is a unique strengthening that can only come from grace.
II Corinthians 9:8 says the grace of God is always sufficient, always in abundance, always present, and always relevant (applicable) to your situation.
From these verses alone, we see God’s grace ENABLES us to say YES to every good and godly work and say NO to every ungodly and selfish desire.

The Bible tells us the grace of God is always sufficient, no matter what.

Gratitude day #14 - crunching numbers and more hope

The good news of the day- and possibly of the year, is that nursing school is within reach and living expenses will be covered if all goes well!! I am feeling very hopeful! I know the negative voice in my mind that tries to sabatoge things says "don't get your hopes up, something bad will happen, or likely will and you will be disappointed."

Josh tells me to tell that voice to take a hike. That we have paid our tithing and we will be very blessed for it. Have hope and have faith. Even if it doesn't work out as planned, that's okay! I trust that there is a better option awaiting us.

Key right now is learning to recognize the holy spirit. !!!!
Need to pray and pray and pray some more for it.

The home we are looking at is on Bald Knob Road and is on some land. The house seems to need lots of updating, however... So that's the issue. I'm not sure id want to buy unless we got it for a really good deal. But it's in an ideal spot! Near to my parents. And 2 miles into town.

We could own chickens, and animals! Have a garden, grow thjngs. It also has a pool. So, it is something to think about.

Anyways, crunching numbers today for cost of living for 2 years while josh is going to school. I figured out that if josh kept his job we would get by with living expenses and possibly even his college debt! May not need to take out loans, either.. Plus he may get help with paying for his nursing if he worked full time .

It was a huge relief to know that his job would help us cover most of everything. A loan may happen for a couple thousand but we can figure it out. We definitely need to get a cheaper home too.

Well here is my 10
1. Going to visit my grandparents and Donna, for all the many many things that they got us! And Isabel and baby. Huge blessing! She found a Noahs ark bedroom set. Clothes. Toys. The works! So grateful!!
2. My Mom, all she does for me and all the service she gives me . watching Isabel. Washing my clothes. Helping me clean my own home. She's always available and there for me.
3. Crunching numbers and figuring out what we need to do financially to make this work (college), and a home.
4. Finding the home on Bald Knob Road , it gives us hope that we can find what we need and land included.
5. Sleeping in till 9 , and Isabel not waking up.
6. Foot massage from Josh :)
7. Success with my first meal in my month of meal plans! I get excited to cook when I have a plan. It was healthy too...
8. For Isabel's protection... That she hasn't been seriously hurt yet!
9. Exciting future plans. Being able to look forward to the future in hope not in fear. Being able to have a reassurance that God is guiding us and that we are being led. I know that as long as I keep the commandments I will be safe and protected.
10. My companionship with my husband. That we both desire the same things, and that he desires to change and improve his life. His love for the gospel and all the service he gives me and all the help he offers me. For providing. For playing. For being my comfort and my protector. I pray that the Lord will bless him for all he does.

Gratitude day #13 - Trusting in God's Voice (and trials of my faith)

Compared to the yoke of worldly sorrow, confusion, pain, and doubt that we presently carry , his yoke is exceedingly light and easy to be borne. When we insist on carrying our own yoke , we do not know where it will take us, and we will sorrow the whole trip. When we accept his yoke we know precisely where it will take us, and we walk the path with joyful steps and peace in our hearts. -John Pontius, Following the Light of Christ into his presence.

Today was tough at some points. I guess because my beliefs were called into question and challenged by my own family. My method of hearing God's voice was questioned by my mom and sister as possibly being "flippant" and just careless. As if I were receiving false answers or I was being deceived, or foolish.

It hurt because I felt misunderstood...again, for the third day in a row. Now having to defend myself in front of my Mom. I don't know if I really swayed her. Also it took me off guard and it caused me to question my own self and doubt the things I had known to be true... The voices came back to my mind "you are being niave! Foolish, gullible, you are just a child and will never know how to make your own desicions" .  You are prideful in thinking you can receive direct answers from God. "You are forcing the answer".

Yet all these negative voices I feel are not true at all! None of them brought me peace, they only brought me confusion and fear. I think it is the way my mom's message was delivered....it is always through dear and doubt in my ability to decide. My parents are always chosing fear over faith as their foundation. I cannot say this to them. This is my perception, but I really do not like it -especially now that I can identify it and pinpoint it.

I know my parents come from a place of caution or concern... I appreciate it. But I feel they could voice those same concerns with the spirit of faith and not of fear. I can just sense the old feelings wash over me.. Those feelings I was in so used to. The feelings I am trying to flee!

I suppose part of this trial has thrown me up against my own anger towards my parents. I see that I am not comfortable or secure being myself or maintaining my hold on the rod of iron when around people like this. When I am around fear mongering I am susceptible and easily persuaded to fear. I am quick to let go of the rod of iron (my personal revelation) to fall back into fear and insecurity and faithlessness.

It is so so hard to stand strong when your faith is still so small. So tiny. But it is there! I am holding onto it but I lost my grip the last few days with everyone throwing my identity into question. With what seems like my closest confidants lacking confidence in me. It causes me to lose confidence in myself. I guess the question is my hold on the voice of the Lord strong enough to preserve me through these trials? During the moments I feel vulnerable and alone, self conscious, unworthy? Will I give heed to these temptations or will I remain strong and confident in God's word to me? Will I doubt the goodness I felt? Will I revert back to calling if all a coincidence? Or ignore the miracles of the Lord because I ascribe it to chance? Where then is my faith??

I know what I have felt, and I know it seems foolish but like Joseph Smith said he cannot deny them! As much as people will question you doubt you vision or your promptings or your methods, you cannot deny that by then you have truly communed with God and have felt his goodness and tasted of his love. How painful to be rejected or to be misunderstood for them. But I need to hold fast to what I know is true, to my faith in the holy spirit and in my own hearing of his voice.

I know the Lord has prompted us and I am beginning to finally learn how the Lord speaks to me. It is so subtle and easy to overlook but for me it is almost like a silent knowing, a "yes"! Or a silent thought " something isn't right" or "this just does not feel right".

Now I do have to be careful I don't take a prompting and run with it too fast. Sometimes I get a prompting and then blindly follow, as in I do not think for myself I just go with it and ignore the follow up promptings. The additional clarifications that help me better understand my first prompting. I believe that is why I get frustrated. I can be impatient. Yes, I do need to be careful to slow down and listen. Listen listen.

Here are my 10:
1. Josh calling Nate to get advice about buying a home with student loans, it brought me more peace to hear his advice. Someone who has been there.
2. Learning to trust my voice, or the voice that speaks through me despite doubts and fears and voices that bombard me from the outside world. Learning to distinguish truth from error. Filtering out the good from the bad in all I hear. Not all voices are 100% false, but sometimes the ways which information is presented can be misleading and manipulative. However the information alone could be valuable . like facts a out buying a home or costs to consider. However scare tactics and doubt sprinkled in there can cause one to lose hold of what they know to be true.
3. Learning to hear the voice. Trusting that I do receive answers through the conscience. That is how the spirit speaks to me. The only time I've been mislead is when I only listen halfway or I am careless in Following through with a prompting, and instead make guesses without thinking things through with the aid of the holy ghost and without much prayer. So I learned also that I need to slow down a bit and think and pray. Example: felt prompted to reach out to certain individuals to get their opinion on what we should do . Not just listen to my dad and make a desicion based off of his recommendations (to rent a duplex, or small apartment...) That does NOT feel right to me but he kept insisting and almost forcing me to believe that was the right way . wouldn't respect my intuition or my feelings. I didn't feel comfortable about that . I appreciated his concern and pointing out some things ....but those were mainly things I'd already been considering.
4. My mom bought me a salad from Kroger's for supper. It hit the spot.
5. Mom helping me clean and pack after she got off work today.
6. Home made hat (white meditation hat) made by someone in my group. Helped hide the bad hair day.
7. Playing at the playground , exploring the baseball field with Isabel and getting that quality time with her. Even though it wears me out.
8. The hope that Noah will be healthy.
9. Donna finding Noah a Noahs ark bedroom set!!!!
10. Peace and reassurance from the Lord, reminders of Josh's blessing the other day about my progress and that I am ahead of schedule in my progression. To know that I am in the right, or at least on the right path..(even if I'm not yet there or not perfectly obedient.) It has really increased my confidence in God and in my own self. Blessings are amazing.

Gratitude day #12 - Finding my voice

 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things. - Moroni 10:5

I wanted to post this on Facebook but I figure not to cast my pearl before swine and instead voice my opinion here.

The voice of the spirit is the thing that is leading me and guiding me. It has taught me my worth. It has reminded me of my purpose and shown me my gifts. It is melting away the shame.

Perhaps this is the cause of opposition in my life. As I grow and mature and as my abilities mature I am met with opposition on all sides, from those who would have things stay the same. From those who feel threatened by the authenticity by which I strive to live. Because I am throwing off many of the chains which bind me, my vibration is changing and I am calling forth all the unauthentic identities in my life. I am shedding old skin. I am calling forth new powers. I am birthing a new life.

Abilities are to see things differently. To see the peculiar way in which the Lord works. I can see it. I can see it plainly. I am drawn to the truth. I do not mean to boast, but I say this so that I can begin to feel comfortable in my own skin and acknowledge my strengths. I have a pure heart. The Lord told me and I felt it was true as he confirmed this to me. My heart aches to hear this from my God and Father. To be recognized as good! To be told I am sure hearted means the world to me....when my whole life I have been burdened by a overwhelming sense of shame. To know the TRUTH and throw out the lies! To recognize how wrong I've been about myself. I have no evil intent in me. I have no meanness in my heart. I have nothing but love to give the world, and nothing but compassion to share.

I've hardened my heart over time and have turned bitter because I have been born into this cold world, a world that simply doesn't understand or comprehend my intentions. It won't acknowledge my voice. I see that it has crippled me. It has turned me into someone I'm not. I have not felt myself since I came to this world. It is no joke.

Heavenly Father knew how impressionable I was to come down here and enter into hardship where my heart would be trampled on and my love would be ignored. He knew I'd retreat into myself. But this doesn't make me bad. This doesn't make me worthy of the guilt and shame I have been carrying.

I have a voice!! It speaks powerfully in and through me. It is a gift and a voice of the spirit. I am not going to be afraid to anger people anymore. I am simply going to speak when I felt called to do so.

Well it's late so here's my 10

1. Hiking at cove springs
2. Shirts from cheapskates, new ones!/cute ones!
3. Uninterrupted sleep
4. Throwing rocks in the creek in our backyard with Isabel.
5. The love I feel for my daughter. D
6. Recognizing my gifts and realizing my worth.
7. My ability to speak up when something isn't right. Even if I get a lot of backlash for it.
8. Time to talk about our life and our life plans while on our hike.
9. Promptings from the spirit.
10. Learning that it is not a good idea to live with my parents. Not a good enviornment for me to live in.

Gratitude day #11 - lowest of lows

I am too tired to write out everything that happened today... But basically josh and I had a fight. Big one. He left. Didn't come back for like 7 hours. I was going crazy and mad because he lefme alone with Isabel and no car and wouldn't answer my phone or text. I finally got a hold of him at like 630/PM and I didn't mean to but I lost it. I yelled and screamed at him...i know others heard me. I know I scared Isabel. It hurts SO bad to hurt her. Yet I couldn't help it. I was upset and angry and I needed to express my bottled up emotions. My hurt. My broken heart.

I love Isabel so much but I am so human. I pray I don't mess her up to bad. :'( I asked my mom if I could take her over there for the night. I needed a break and couldn't deal emotionally. Plus josh and I needed to talk it out for a few hours.. Sigh. Well I have been dreading being grateful for this day. Here it goes anyway.

1. Isabel's sweet smiling spirit...even when I'm sad she smiles.
2. Blessing I got from josh after our fight. Pure heart and light shining out of me. I'm right on schedule. He heals through his love. Pray for this healing. Lord will cut down my tree.
3. A stroller.
4. Nap time.
5. Traci , being able to vent to her and feel better after.
6. Slept in , josh watched her so I could sleep in.
7. Reassurance about getting into Midway college (josh)
8. Parents who came to pick up Isabel when I couldn't handle her anymore... Or rather couldn't handle me. Huge comfort to have them.
9. The playroom in the back of the house. A separate space for Isabel's toys.
10. Helping josh learn to process his emotions. Helping him confront his anger issues...and finding that alot of it is ancestral.... No wonder we are struggling so much. I need to pray to help whoever the ancestor is to heal.

Gratitude day 10 - 24 hours without Josh and no low!

I think this is cause to celebrate. I have been recognizing a trend in my posts where the hardest and lowest days have been on the days Josh is gone. Perhaps because I detected this I've been able to prepare for them more.

I noticed that having a focus (my schedule, routine, and meal plan) has helped keep me occupied and gives me purpose. Not only that but hope. Gratitude is helping a lot as well! I am not as stuck because I am pushing forward and reaching higher.

I notice myself trying to talk myself out of keeping and maintaining a routine. "It's too much work and effort, it isn't worth the trouble" "this is rediculous, look at how crazy and rigid this all is. It isn't realistic". " You really think this new meal plan is going to work?" "Look at his much you spent, and how much work this is". And on and on. Well, now j am more aware and am able to detect these voices trying to dissuade me from doing what I know I need to do.

I recognize that the initial startup , getting out of this rut is going to take a lot of effort... More than I will ever have to do in the future. But if I get the momentum going then it will be so much easier to keep going. I know I need to give myself grace...and I definitely have. In fact last night I didn't get to bed until 3 because of pregnancy, overactive brain and then Isabel woke up. That wrecks me. Thus I slept in till 10...(thankfully). I felt rested all day though and had enough energy to go to the store and keep a clean house, and cook 2 chickens and freeze, play with Isabel, going on a walk, feed her and put her to bed.

Another thing that helped me today was playing with isabel outside and exploring her world with her. Being creative and teaching her how to play. Chasing her between the trees. Collecting plants and things, talking to her and reading to her. Also having food for her to eat. Also! I bought two new shirts that fit me!! That must have made a big difference. I am also so excited about my meal plan. How much healthier we will be eating.

10 for the day
1. Isabel following my request to go pick up the sweeper, or broom after she dropped stuff on the floor. She knew exactly what I meant and went and got it and tried to sweep for me.
2. Playing with isabel outside and exploring nature with her. I have so much fun doing it. She loved it too. Especially me chasing her. The rain.
3. Getting 2 new maternity shirts from cheapskates!
4. Getting complimented on my shirt by a sweet 11 year old boy at Kroger!
5. Keeping s clean house, even though I made 2 chickens and soaking beans and no josh!
6. My meal plan!!
7. Avacado pudding!!! Thanks to the Leavitts.
8. Isabel reading a book in her crib before bed!! Looking at the pictures.
9. The library. All the sweet people who love on Isabel and think she is the cutest.
10. Prayer. Isabel seemed to fold her arms for a second when I started to pray before bed today. !!

Gratitude day #9 - Giving myself some grace and a little more structure

It was a rough morning. Hmm.. I am beginning to see a trend here. This is almost a normal occurance for me. If it's not a picture crashing to the ground it is the baby waking me up. Lately I've had a hard time breathing. So I think I got about 4-5 hrs of sleep. . .

Anyway, I got up after a while because I just couldn't sleep and the thought came to me to just get up and get a head start on my day. I am actually thankful I did because I was able to meal plan and figure out a schedule and organize all the ingredients for our trip to Aldis later that day. I wanted to make sure I got my week off to a good start. Believe me, just knowing and having a plan for meals takes a huge burden off my back and actually replaces with excitement. I'm simple I know. Knowing what I have planned gives the whole family something to look forward to. There is nothing quite like being hungry and not knowing what to eat!! I have learned the hard way. So all these meals are extremely healthy, not pre packaged, lots of veggies!!! And it is all planned out for me for a whole month! Think I'll simply rotate and do it again. We will see. This is an experiment.

Aldis didn't have all the ingredients so I will have to go to Kroger tomorrow to get the rest. Then I will have to cook 2 whole chickens and soak beans for the month. Also reserving broth (homemade)! This alone will save me oodles!! Annnnd no msg!! Beans will be sodium free. I usually go the easy route and buy cans. But this will be way healthier for my body. Ibfeel so good about this. I know I need to give myself grace for those slip ups I'm sure to have. Make sure I don't go at this in an all or nothing way. Food is so important for our bodies and this is my first step in making the changes necessary to sustain my health and well being.

So simple really, but it is a huge breakthrough for me...ADD girl who struggles to initiate anything or to focus and make goals and act and execute my ideas. I'm usually a head in the clouds girl. Routine and planning and structure brings me down to earth and is helping me live intentionally. Some people, including me believe routine is a prison....(false belief!) But I am learning that NO routine is chaos and chaos is a type of prison. The Lord's house is a house of order. I want mine to be too. It is no longer out of reach for me. The Lord is blessing me.

A lady in my energy healing group texted me saying she could work on me today and apparently released many hundreds of generational emotions and feelings that I've been carrying. Especially the preconception trauma. More on that later I'm sure. I am sure the trauma is a min reason for my dibilitations.

Here we go for our 10

1. Isabel finding and playing with a whooly worm! It is so simple a thin but I love exposing her to new and unusual things. I love helping her learn through touch, sight, smell, etc. She got excited. When we let it go, she ran back to see where it went and was sad she couldn't find it.
2. Waking up early to meal plan
3. Trip to. KFC and baskin Robbins. When your pregnant and tired and hungry...it's heaven.... Good thing I'm meal planning!!
4. Fans in our bedroom...pillow between my legs. Helps me sleep.
5. I was able to keep my kitchen clean today.
6. Walk at the park, seeing Isabel throw a fit because we walked right past the playground . Something she now apparently loves! She's growing up and is so aware!! Sometimes I miss how little and unaware she was. I'm still so used to her being unconscious in a sense , now she has preferences and likes and dislikes.
7. Donna , energy healer, texting me to help do work on me.
8. Short nap.
9. Grace!!! Grace from the Lord, forgiveness , and power I'm receiving to overcome my weaknesses.
10. Being tired at 11 PM. Hopefully I'll be able to reset my clock and then myself into more of a morning person....grace for grace ;)

Gratitude day #8 - The Light Dawns

Today was a sunday, and that means church!
Got to church late. Woken up last night by a picture on the wall that crashed. Was shaken up about that for a while. Couldn't sleep. So josh took Isabel to church....even tho he didn't get much sleep either. Love him. Got to church for 3rd hour. Saw Isabel in nursery. Hannah watched her for me. Love her too!

Was reminded of our dinner with the leavitts. They live really close to us. Family with like 7 kids. We had talked a while ago on a Wednesday and found out we had a lot in common.... At least when it comes to our add tendencies. So we had a lot to talk about!!

Went over there and it was awesome. The conversation we had was like a lightbulb... Especially for josh! He came home tonight and was ready eyed and dumbfounded , still trying to process all the information. The missing link to his life. It makes him sad because he wishes he would have known this sooner , because life has been so difficult for him. Brother Leavitts has many of the exact same issues as Josh. Did poorly on tests. Couldn't focus. The list goes on. The whole time we were like YES!!! That is 1000 % us! Even sister leavitt has some issues. Like me. But different. Anyway. He was saying that we (josh and I) both have add/ADHD but different types and we balance each other out. We help one another in our weak areas. Yes. So true. He takes medicine. He said the difference for him was night and day. And I believe it.like he couldn't even sleep because he could think and focus so clearly. He was so excited. Medicine, they said, is necessary in a society that doesn't acknowledge the skills of these people. In a culture where there's a million different desicions to make , it really is. Handicap to have trouble focusing. It takes 10x the effort of someone with add to do what someone without it can do.

Wish I could recount the full convo.

Isabel loved their family too!! The kids are so well behaved and mature with her. I felt I could trust them totally with her. And Isabel was really enjoying their company. They weren't loud or obnoxious. These are the kids I want my daughter to associate with! It is such a stark contrast from the kids you see in nursery, and primary. In general. Kids just don't have respect. They push other kids around and the teacher won't do anything about it!

Just makes me worry. I want Isabel to grow and flourish and enjoy socializing. I am feeling more and more that homeschooling my kids is the best option. It would be so awesome if my kids had friends with other homeschool kiddos. I will pray on this... But upon finding out my daughter almost certainly has sensory issues like josh and I (or sensory gifts!) As society would not acknowledge, I feel that she needs to grow up in an environment that encourages physical activity and exploration....not squash it.

I know, however, it would be tough for me. I'm also not sure if she would get enough social interaction. I would need to make sure she is a part of a homeschool group. I'd like to live somewhere that I knew there would be one.

Learned lots of things. It was so refreshing to talk to someone who gets it!! Also who understands my parenting . not to reinforce picky eating by dismissing them if they won't eat or if they throw their food. Their kids est even the things they don't like. Or they don't eat. There is no way that she would make individual meals for each child. It is so so tough to put your foot down like that, but I see that it definitely pays off in the long run.

I need to ask her more about how she punishes or rewards her kiddos. Like what would you do if your child deliberately disobeyed you? (Ate the pudding)?

Wow...anyway here's my 10 a day
1. Leavitts giving me s treadmill!!!!!!
2. Spending time with the Leavitts, connecting and finding support with them... Learning about our issues and finally figuring out why we struggle so much!
3. Isabel playing with the kids and exploring a new home.
4. Isabel enjoying the nature walk , or neighborhood walk. Walking at least half of the way with us and not running into the street. Knowing the boundaries. And walking with us willingly!
5. Isabel's increased efforts to talk.
6. Josh's love towards me. His affection and help.
7. Josh stretching my legs so my hips got a stretch. Also back massage.
8. The lesson in young woman's ... On prayer and sis shriebers story about the girl with anxiety and depression that made such a huge influence on her. Knowing what to do to help her.
9. Planning out field trip ideas for Isabel, and setting the alarm for our schedule. Stsrting a routine. Need to pray for help to keep it.
10. Overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude I feel today. I feel a burden has been lifted. Treadmill for me....medicine for josh.... help with our afflictions and figuring out how to overcome them. God is reaching out his hand to offer help.