Today started out rough. I didn't start the day with gratitude. All I could think of was the feeling of hopelessness. "Just another day of this." I felt overwhelmed with chaos and the feeling that I was never going to rise above the madness. On top of it josh has begun studying every morning for the ACT, then work in the evening, and tomorrow is another 24 hr shift. I felt weighted down by fatigue, sore feet, and a sore belly and back. I am just full of negativity. I realize this. I think I realize it more now because A. I started this gratitude journal so these thoughts and feelings vibrate at a much lower frequency than the feelings I end the day with. B. Someone pointed out to me that I have depression. It really hit me when I was told this. I realized that my issue was real. It explains why I struggle to be happy. Why I struggle to find peace and contentment. Why I feel lonely and isolated. Why it takes me so much energy to do a simple task.
So this knowledge is fresh and new right now. But what a revelation. I can say I am grateful to finally realize it. I just need to figure out how to conquer and overcome it.
I was led, by a series of random desicions, to buy a bundle of books that came at a extremely good price about homemaking and how to manage it all. I'll post a link sometime soon. There are like 90 books in it. Also free eclasses and handouts and just lots of resources for me to dive into. The one I was led to was called rhythm, routines and schedules . it lines out clear routines and schedules to put your babies and toddlers in by age group. I am definitely going to refer to this now and when the new baby comes. It outlines things clearly and helped me understand the difference between independent play, structured play, and free play, and family time. It helps me divide my day job into manageable chunks instead of just endless chunks of time where nothing is planned.
Organizing my schedule I realize that structured play is so important!!/check out structuredplay.blogspot.com , I was so inspired by the practical advice given in a way I could totally grasp.
So I feel so much more lighter. I feel like I have things more under control and things are looking up. God is answering my silent prayers in unique ways. I know I am a good mother. I know I am doing the best I can. I know that I will improve and progress. I know that this is all that matters.
This blog helps me so much! It helps me ground myself and reminds me when I've been off and reverting back to the old ways. I know this is something the Lord desires of me to do. I know he speaks through ordinary people. I know he loves me and is working really hard to help me. I asked for angels to assist me last night in this journey.
I have much to be grateful for. My heart is overwhelmed in the present with feelings of thanks to my God. I feel as though he's given me a life saver. I know I need to get right with the Lord and continue to make place for prayer and study. This will help.
10 things for the day:
1. Homemaking bundle that came with 90 books and e courses. For finding it.
2. Finding a blog helping me understand structured play and how to facilitate it with my daughter. I feel less afraid than before of playtime.
3. Lesson plans with my daughter. I am very excited to start those!!
4. Josh getting work off early and surprising me at Lakeview Park. Getting little ceasers and going to the cemetery to eat it. :)
5. Cleaning off a bunch of headstones that were covered up by grass clippings. I felt the appreciation , and such a simple task.
6. Shirts that don't accentuate the belly. Comfy shirts and clothes.
7. Discovering I have depression. The missing link. Realizing gratitude is the opposite of depression and fear. Now this all makes total sense.
8. A long walk at Lakeview Park. Isabel walking more so than he used to with me.
9. Isabel pointing to the ladybug in the book I got at the library when I asked her where the ladybug was!!
10. A message from Josh's updates on Isabel that said it's normal to not understand what your child is saying at 17 months, that their tongue muscles are still forming . I realize not to stress. Isabel is developing fine and at her own pace.
Isabel
1. Her sweet spirit. Really. She is very thoughtful and kind.
Josh
1. Creative thinker. Knows how to fix things.
Rachel
1. A good mom and teacher.
No comments:
Post a Comment