A lightbulb finally went off last night.
I have been feeling prompted very strongly for the past 6 months to repent.
However, I've struggled to understand the concept of repentance. I have had a very strong urge to do so, but when I go to do it it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel sincere.
Is it enough to just say "sorry?" and then expect to be washed clean?
It just never sat well with me. Yes, it is supposed to be simple. Christ isn't going to make coming back into his presence complicated or impossible for us to do. Yet, I feel as though we actually simplify the process too much. We make the process much too easy. The way I have felt, at least, is a carelessness about the whole atonement process.
All I have to do is pray and say sorry and never do that thing again. Okay. I can do that.
Yet. I still felt uncomfortable with something. I feel as though that by thinking of repentence in this way that i'm leaving something undone. No (sincere) change has been made. I felt as though outwardly I am doing better. But inwardly my thought process hasn't changed (much).
Then my mind recalled the many scriptures that recounted miraculous healings and miraculous changes of hearts. In the story of Alma (the first), he was completely healed. He no longer had the same desires. He was a 'new creature' or a new man. He had been literally spiritually reborn.
When Jesus healed the sick and afflicted, did he heal them only half way? Or did he heal them completely?
He healed them completely.
Remission of sins is what happens when Christ heals us or washes us completely.
Sure he will forgive us of ONE sin. Like cutting one branch off of the tree at one time. But there is a better way, and faster way to get rid of a cumbersome tree. It is the way written of in many accounts in the scriptures. We just don't believe we can ever experience the same things. We don't believe.
Why is it that as members of the church we have this notion of it taking 'so long' to overcome our infirmities and issues. God tells us that the whole point of this gospel is to help us to experience that "mighty change of heart" where we no longer have ANY desire or disposition to do evil, but we are given the desire and disposition to do good continually.
To me this seems to happen almost instantaneously. At-One-Ment. When this happens to us we experience a profound change, a noticeable change, a POWERFUL change. It is not like just taking one chink out of a log. It is like cutting an entire tree down in one setting. That is the power of the atonement. Why is it that we only chose to embrace only a crumb of it?
When Christ washes us clean of all our sins, we have to be COMPLETELY submerged by the water. We aren't baptized body part by body part. Our pinky, foot, legs, then everything else. No. We are baptized by immersion because it symbolizes the completeness of the atonement. That it can completely wash us clean of ALL our sins, weaknesses and infirmities - all those issues that come to us by nature of being a natural man in the flesh.
When we are "born again" we are literally washed clean of all our sins. The atonement isn't about getting rid of one sin. It is about getting rid of that one sin and all sin that led to that sin. In other words, it gets rid of the root cause of our problems and replaces the bad root with a new seed or new heart.
When you receive a new heart - it changes EVERYTHING. Your outlook changes.
Think "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". The Grinch, after his mighty change of heart, did not simply say sorry for stealing all the Christmas gifts and go on his way, back to his ways. His heart literally grew 10 times bigger (or whatever number it was). He then had the desire not just to abstain from evil, but to DO GOOD. So he gave all the presents back, and then desired to be among the people, to enjoy their company and to give love to others. To reach out and give back.
In my experience, repentence has NOT given me this mighty change of heart. It has not changed my heart or given me the desire to do good continually. I usually put off doing good as long as I can because it seems to take so much work and effort.
So I realize I have a lot of work to do.
Here are the quotes out of the book.... that gave me this "lightbulb" moment last night. I hope it helps you grasp the concept of the atonement too.
Learning this has helped me feel that repentence is attainable! Also, that Christ doesn't expect me to just say sorry and then be washed clean. He wants me to do some preliminary preparation before he will lead me to the "tree of life" - or "the love of God" --- when all my sins will be remitted and i'll be washed clean. He knows that there is a lot of preparation to do to prepare my heart for this change. He has to till the soil, so it's soft. He has to water. He has to fertilize. He has to make sure it's in the right spot.
In other words - he has to speak to us through the holy spirit of the Lord. He has to prompt us with ideas and small and simple things. Like praying. Reading scriptures. Asking forgiveness of those you've offended. Getting your life in order. All this is part of holding on to the iron rod. Eventually that rod of iron will lead to the tree of life (remission of sins) but it takes some time, and work, and lots of listening and lots of obedience.
My first prompting is to finish reading this book. I have a feeling I will receive further impression on what I am to do.
I feel so ENLIGHTENED. I know Heavenly Father is leading me , and I know that he has tried many times to lead me. Even though I gave up. He didn't give up. He keeps on trying. I have felt him prompting me many times, and many times I wouldn't listen.
Part of it is that I didn't understand how to listen. I just didn't "get it".
Now that I understand the role of the holy spirit, and recognize that he often speaks to us through our own consciousness, I am more open and my ears are more sensitive to the whispers. I used to just write off the thoughts or ideas that came to me as "my thoughts" and so because of doubt I wouldn't act on them. I didn't recognize I was receiving revelation. I didn't give the spirit the credit.
This was one of Satan's tactics to keep me going in a never ending circle.
Well I am hoping and believing that this is my moment of breaking free of that cycle. I am ready to be free of that cycle of sin and disbelief. I am ready to believe and move and to do good.
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