It's hard to see in the moment, during the quiet moments and long hours that seem to last forever. During the monotony of "just another day".
I have been stuck in the mindset of happiness always being "an arms reach" away. I never seem to grasp the happy moments of my life because I feel as though I am not there yet. I am not quite to that ideal place in life -- where we are finally "settled in", established and making enough money to have all the happiness that it can buy.
Photography helps me capture these tiny moments. I realize I need to do it more than I have. I've been stuck in a whirlwind of "gotta get this done". I am letting these tiny moments slip past me without being able to savor. Instead I feel more like I am just trying to hurry and swallow these moments up, barely chewing.
Look at this beautiful angel. She is such a presence in my life. Such a force. She is so raw, and untouched by the evil of this world. She is melting my heart on a daily basis and grounding me firmly in the earth - or at least motivating me to be more grounded. To get my head out of the clouds.
The hardest part about being a full-time Mom is that these small moments happen so often and every day that they seem insignificant and some times enduring these small moments can feel burdensome - especially when all you want to do is relax, and do your own thing. It is easy to lose ourselves and our identity in this mindset. As much as I whine and complain about this being a hard work - because it IS the hardest work and we all have to work through this trial in our own individual ways - part of me feels as though we are looking at full time mom status all wrong.
Jesus taught that when we lose ourselves in serving our fellow men we find ourselves. Here is the key >> If we do it with the right intent, and with the right heart, and with charity in our hearts. I know this charity that is spoken of in the scriptures is something that I have not had, not very strongly.
I am self-absorbed. I am self-interested. I am the center of my universe. Not God. Not others. Me me me.
Now I know it is important [i.e. IMPERATIVE] to put ourselves and our needs first so that we can take care of others. But I feel as though I never move past this phase of "helping myself". I never get to helping others. It is always too tiresome or burdensome to me. Its utterly draining. I suppose this same thing has happened to me in my mothering.
I have not had the right heart, right perspective, right mindset. The mindset is that as "mother" I am in a victim: powerless, helpless, and trapped. Unable to breathe.
When I change my mindset - something this gratitude journal has helped me to do - I recognize the good in the "bad" and I am grateful in my trials. I recognized the other day that I was only grateful for the good things in my life. So I tried to challenge myself. I attempted to find the positive in what once seemed negative to me. Like Isabel's newfound aversion to many foods. It has been such a tiresome, burdensome challenge for me to have to figure out what to feed her. It is hard enough being pregnant to feed my self and my family. Having to think of alternatives or ways to alter the foods I feed her so that she gets the nutrition she needs was stressful on me. I am not the best at coming up with inspired or creative solutions to problems. Mainly because the stress and pressure of having to do so prevents me from being inspired or coming up with creative solutions. Also - did I mention I am the most indecisive person EVER? Being a Mom requires you to be decisive and to think quickly to fix problems. It requires energy and brain power that I honestly don't have, especially right now 28 weeks preggo.
Yet - I was able to turn a negative into a positive by just changing the way I saw my small trial. It is helping me to be more patient. It is helping me to remember to stop and just savor these small moments - these small trials - and to see the beauty in it all. Gratitude helps you to slow down and just be in the moment with a heart of love.
Gratitude has always been a vague, "catch phrasey" word to me that I never really considered or took seriously or tried to actually apply. I didn't really understand it either. I think I am beginning to see.
Here we go with my 10 for the day:
1. Learning how one person's hell can be another's heaven. Recognizing that something that I would hate to do can actually be something someone else loves to do. What is the difference? An additude change. I went to a flea market today and no one was there but me. The stuff in it seemed like junk and I kept thinking who would want to buy this stuff, and who would want to sell all this stuff?? Then I overheard the owner saying he used to do something else for a living but now he does this and loves it. He seemed genuinely happy. He must be doing alright, too. Just gave me a perspective change.
2. The idea to re arrange all Isabel's toys into the sunroom. Keeps things in one spot and makes it easier to keep the house clean.
3. The library. For Isabel getting to run out her energy up there. Also for her new interest in books.
4. A day away from josh. I get to be single mom and learn self reliance on these days. It's teaching me to be stronger and less afraid.
5. My parents being so near. Having them near by to hang out with and to escape to on days like today when I am tired and need some company.
6. Learning about my spirit power animals. The big and the silvery majestic dragon.
7. For the progress Isabel has made. For now many words she knows and points to, even though she hasn't really said anything yet. I felt the impression of how well I was doing with teaching her. Even though my efforts don't seem obvious now they will soon enough. Gives me motive to keep going.
8. Icecream. Just what I needed today.
9. This nice home to come home to. It feels like home more and more. Isabel is at home here.
10. The luxury of a car and gas to get out of the house and explore and go places.
Isabel
1. Her silliness, and playfulness. It reminds me so much of her dad.
Josh
Patience with me
Rachel
For starting this blog
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