Gratitude day #7 - Others have been here too

Today began well. It started late because I went to bed late and was woken up a couple times by Isabel. So 10 am was the wake time. Regardless, I felt rested. It is a 24 hr solo day so I started out with lots of momentum and hope for a good day. I am going to start following a schedule. So I carved out specific time to do certain things. Mainly when Isabel's playtime was (independent play) and structured play. I really enjoy the distinction. Independent play gives both of us time to relax and get a break from one another, while structured play gives us intentional interactive time together. It's about an hour or more . I do daily devotionals - prayer, hymn, studies, pictures. Then we do a craft or whatever the planned activity is for the day. The theme was apples for the week/month because she is already grasps words and concepts , and is grasping them rapidly!

It makes me so happy that she is pointing to body parts, and also to objects in books, and things around the home. It also makes me realize how much she is soaking in! Perfect time to regear and reset my intentions to start structured play.

I tried to keep 2 naps in the schedule and it worked. I think she does still need two naps. Both were about 2 hours each. This girl sleeps a lot! I am so grateful for that!! I think she knows what I can handle.

Midday is the tough part of the day and I started feeling down and depressed. Isabel was throwing tantrums and seems to be screaming now. It's like she does it because she can't tell me what she wants. She also dislikes the word no, but sometimes I don't know what else to say. Especially when she won't eat , puts marbles in her mouth, and doesn't listen to me when I tell her no. I am not sure how to go about it in a better way. Perhaps that's a subject to be prayed over.

I felt better in the evening after her second nap. I guess I read a few things from the home making bundle that gave me a sense of hope and motivation to get out of this funk. It was a book from the homemaking bundle that gave meal plan ideas, also scheduler ideas from a faith based perspective. "Grace not perfection" I think I was gently reminded that I needed to give myself a break and to congratulate myself on making this step forward. I wrote a letter to Laurel via email because I needed to vent to someone who understood and is non judgmental.

Anyways, the day was rainy and dreary, the day was long being alone all day, but I made it and I ended on a positive. I got the kitchen spic and span. I took a shower and applied essential oils. Unfortunately it's 1/pm .

10
1. Essential oils, even though I don't use them enough they make me feel peaceful and balanced. Breathe opens up my airways and I can definitely feel a difference.
2. A clean clean kitchen.
3. A shower.
4. A schedule and routine to fall back on.
5. LDS podcasts app
6. Isabel eating supper finally. Discovering I need to chop up solid food very small for Isabel to eat it. (She used to eat big pieces so I'm not sure what changed. Maybe her stomach is telling her it can't digest big pieces of food).
7. For the hope that comes through christs atonement. Knowing God will and is leading me if I let him. That life won't always be this dark and gloomy. Dwelling on hope.
8. My failures, they have taught me wisdom and what doesn't work and what isn't practical. Failed binders and organizational attempts. Failed systems, failed meals, failed obligations, failed self care, failed love and patience. Learning what won't work is helping me find what will.
9. Gods grace-- things are never as hard as they could be. I have time to relax. I don't have to worry about work. I can focus on my family. I have the opportunity and time to put into my self. Thanks Josh.
10. Learning others feel the same way and go through same feelings. Learning to be proud of being a stay at home mom. Knowing others are doing it too and proudly. I need not be ashamed of my calling .

1. Her attempts at talking to me.
2. Josh's curiosity and open mindedness .
3. Getting back up even when I fall down.

Triggers

Triggers of depression :
No exercise
No routine
Nothing to look forward to
No friends
Long periods of alone time - being without josh and alone with baby
Weight gain
Not knowing my life purpose
A home that doesn't reflect who I am.
Messy home. Unorganized.
Sugar cravings
Struggling with my calling
No energy, feet hurting
Not taking care of myself
Unable to find time to do things I love

I need to get this out there. Today has been up and then down again. It's been a long day. I am just struggling. And I need to recognize the negative so I can start to turn them into positives.

First of all I need to work on routine. I feel that is the basis or foundation of my struggle. For me to find the time to fit everything in to my day I need to conquer a routine.

Gratitude day #6 - begin and end the day with gratitude

Today started out rough. I didn't start the day with gratitude. All I could think of was the feeling of hopelessness. "Just another day of this." I felt overwhelmed with chaos and the feeling that I was never going to rise above the madness. On top of it josh has begun studying every morning for the ACT, then work in the evening, and tomorrow is another 24 hr shift. I felt weighted down by fatigue, sore feet, and a sore belly and back. I am just full of negativity. I realize this. I think I realize it more now because A. I started this gratitude journal so these thoughts and feelings vibrate at a much lower frequency than the feelings I end the day with. B. Someone pointed out to me that I have depression. It really hit me when I was told this. I realized that my issue was real. It explains why I struggle to be happy. Why I struggle to find peace and contentment. Why I feel lonely and isolated. Why it takes me so much energy to do a simple task.

So this knowledge is fresh and new right now. But what a revelation. I can say I am grateful to finally realize it. I just need to figure out how to conquer and overcome it.

I was led, by a series of random desicions, to buy a bundle of books that came at a extremely good price about homemaking and how to manage it all. I'll post a link sometime soon. There are like 90 books in it. Also free eclasses and handouts and just lots of resources for me to dive into. The one I was led to was called rhythm, routines and schedules . it lines out clear routines and schedules to put your babies and toddlers in by age group. I am definitely going to refer to this now and when the new baby comes. It outlines things clearly and helped me understand the difference between independent play, structured play, and free play, and family time. It helps me divide my day job into manageable chunks instead of just endless chunks of time where nothing is planned.
Organizing my schedule I realize that structured play is so important!!/check out structuredplay.blogspot.com , I was so inspired by the practical advice given in a way I could totally grasp.

So I feel so much more lighter. I feel like I have things more under control and things are looking up. God is answering my silent prayers in unique ways. I know I am a good mother. I know I am doing the best I can. I know that I will improve and progress. I know that this is all that matters.

This blog helps me so much! It helps me ground myself and reminds me when I've been off and reverting back to the old ways. I know this is something the Lord desires of me to do. I know he speaks through ordinary people. I know he loves me and is working really hard to help me. I asked for angels to assist me last night in this journey.

I have much to be grateful for. My heart is overwhelmed in the present with feelings of thanks to my God. I feel as though he's given me a life saver. I know I need to get right with the Lord and continue to make place for prayer and study. This will help.

10 things for the day:
1. Homemaking bundle that came with 90 books and e courses. For finding it.
2. Finding a blog helping me understand structured play and how to facilitate it with my daughter. I feel less afraid than before of playtime.
3. Lesson plans with my daughter. I am very excited to start those!!
4. Josh getting work off early and surprising me at Lakeview Park. Getting little ceasers and going to the cemetery to eat it. :)
5. Cleaning off a bunch of headstones that were covered up by grass clippings. I felt the appreciation , and such a simple task.
6. Shirts that don't accentuate the belly. Comfy shirts and clothes.
7. Discovering I have depression. The missing link. Realizing gratitude is the opposite of depression and fear. Now this all makes total sense.
8. A long walk at Lakeview Park. Isabel walking more so than he used to with me.
9. Isabel pointing to the ladybug in the book I got at the library when I asked her where the ladybug was!!
10. A message from Josh's updates on Isabel that said it's normal to not understand what your child is saying at 17 months, that their tongue muscles are still forming . I realize not to stress. Isabel is developing fine and at her own pace.

Isabel
1. Her sweet spirit. Really. She is very thoughtful and kind.

Josh
1. Creative thinker. Knows how to fix things.

Rachel
1. A good mom and teacher.

Graditude day #5 - Fun is what makes a Family

It is true, fun is the glue that makes family, family!
One of the things I absolutely LOVE Josh an his family is they always put fun first. Fun is the bond that keeps us coming back for more.

I had fun growing up, but I felt my parents were more so passive and preferred to sit in front of the TV . I do remember them doing fun things with us when I was younger, and those are the things I remember the most.

In my mind, money is not an issue. Priorities first - families are built on fun and togetherness. Being willing to play is so imoortant!! This is one thing I love about josh and something he will pass on to our children. My family was more serious and less playful. So I'm less playful. But I have a strong desire for playfulness. I'm just not as good at initiating it.

Today we finally got to experience family fun! Isabel is finally old enough to interact and play. We filled up the pool and Isabel kept climbing in. At first it was way too cold. So we just played around outside and the sun really warmed us up. She started trying to climb in (tried to put the chair in the pool ). So we let her. She actually enjoyed it!! She had a blast! Splashing and trying to get Papa back with the cup of water. She kept getting herself wet though! I secretly think she enjoyed it though. Even though she was surprised by it every time. Ohh.... It couldn't have been a mode perfect day outside. I also got to mow the lawn. I actually enjoy doing that. It's good exercise and good for getting sun.

10 for the day:
1. Mowing the lawn, that we have a yard to mow and I have a body that I can mow it with.
2. A free blow up pool, tarp, and toys and free things given to us!
3. A daughter that is fun and playful like her daddy <3 Could I love her more??
4. Protection from my angels.
5. Naps
6. Reminders that I need to take better care of my body... :)/:(
7. For realizing how stuck I am in a never ending cycle, learning from the hog that I need to face my fears and confront the lies I've been telling myself. For feeling like I'm trapped in this hole. It is making me feel the desire to pray and seek help.
8. Family bonding and laughing with my family.
9. That Isabel eats whole carrots!
10. For Isabel "speaking sentences. In her own way.

Graditude Day #4 - Learning to Savor the Small

Life is all in the tiny moments. It's the insignificant pieces that add up that create the significant whole. Sometimes you have to crouch down low and squint to start to see it. To see the beauty. Yet, in a few year's time it will be so obvious - blatantly obvious.

It's hard to see in the moment, during the quiet moments and long hours that seem to last forever. During the monotony of "just another day".

I have been stuck in the mindset of happiness always being "an arms reach" away.  I never seem to grasp the happy moments of my life because I feel as though I am not there yet. I am not quite to that ideal place in life -- where we are finally "settled in", established and making enough money to have all the happiness that it can buy.

Photography helps me capture these tiny moments. I realize I need to do it more than I have. I've been stuck in a whirlwind of "gotta get this done". I am letting these tiny moments slip past me without being able to savor. Instead I feel more like I am just trying to hurry and swallow these moments up, barely chewing.

Look at this beautiful angel. She is such a presence in my life. Such a force. She is so raw, and untouched by the evil of this world. She is melting my heart on a daily basis and grounding me firmly in the earth - or at least motivating me to be more grounded. To get my head out of the clouds.

The hardest part about being a full-time Mom is that these small moments happen so often and every day that they seem insignificant and some times enduring these small moments can feel burdensome - especially when all you want to do is relax, and do your own thing. It is easy to lose ourselves and our identity in this mindset. As much as I whine and complain about this being a hard work - because it IS the hardest work and we all have to work through this trial in our own individual ways - part of me feels as though we are looking at full time mom status all wrong.

Jesus taught that when we lose ourselves in serving our fellow men we find ourselves. Here is the key >> If we do it with the right intent, and with the right heart, and with charity in our hearts. I know this charity that is spoken of in the scriptures is something that I have not had, not very strongly.

I am self-absorbed. I am self-interested. I am the center of my universe. Not God. Not others. Me me me.

Now I know it is important [i.e. IMPERATIVE] to put ourselves and our needs first so that we can take care of others. But I feel as though I never move past this phase of "helping myself". I never get to helping others. It is always too tiresome or burdensome to me. Its utterly draining. I suppose this same thing has happened to me in my mothering.

I have not had the right heart, right perspective, right mindset. The mindset is that as "mother" I am in a victim: powerless, helpless, and trapped. Unable to breathe.

When I change my mindset - something this gratitude journal has helped me to do - I recognize the good in the "bad" and I am grateful in my trials. I recognized the other day that I was only grateful for the good things in my life. So I tried to challenge myself. I attempted to find the positive in what once seemed negative to me. Like Isabel's newfound aversion to many foods. It has been such a tiresome, burdensome challenge for me to have to figure out what to feed her. It is hard enough being pregnant to feed my self and my family. Having to think of alternatives or ways to alter the foods I feed her so that she gets the nutrition she needs was stressful on me. I am not the best at coming up with inspired or creative solutions to problems. Mainly because the stress and pressure of having to do so prevents me from being inspired or coming up with creative solutions. Also - did I mention I am the most indecisive person EVER? Being a Mom requires you to be decisive and to think quickly to fix problems. It requires energy and brain power that I honestly don't have, especially right now 28 weeks preggo.

Yet - I was able to turn a negative into a positive by just changing the way I saw my small trial. It is helping me to be more patient. It is helping me to remember to stop and just savor these small moments - these small trials - and to see the beauty in it all. Gratitude helps you to slow down and just be in the moment with a heart of love.

Gratitude has always been a vague, "catch phrasey" word to me that I never really considered or took seriously or tried to actually apply. I didn't really understand it either. I think I am beginning to see.

Here we go with my 10 for the day:

1. Learning how one person's hell can be another's heaven. Recognizing that something that  I would hate to do can actually be something someone else loves to do. What is the difference? An additude change. I went to a flea market today and no one was there but me. The stuff in it seemed like junk and I kept thinking who would want to buy this stuff, and who would want to sell all this stuff?? Then I overheard the owner saying he used to do something else for a living but now he does this and loves it. He seemed genuinely happy. He must be doing alright, too. Just gave me a perspective change. 

2. The idea to re arrange all Isabel's toys into the sunroom. Keeps things in one spot and makes it easier to keep the house clean. 

3. The library. For Isabel getting to run out her energy up there. Also for her new interest in books. 

4. A day away from josh. I get to be single mom and learn self reliance on these days. It's teaching me to be stronger and less afraid. 

5. My parents being so near. Having them near by to hang out with and to escape to on days like today when I am tired and need some company. 

6. Learning about my spirit power animals. The big and the silvery majestic dragon. 

7. For the progress Isabel has made. For now many words she knows and points to, even though she hasn't really said anything yet. I felt the impression of how well I was doing with teaching her. Even though my efforts don't seem obvious now they will soon enough. Gives me motive to keep going. 

8. Icecream. Just what I needed today. 

9. This nice home to come home to. It feels like home more and more. Isabel is at home here.

10. The luxury of a car and gas to get out of the house and explore and go places. 

 Isabel

1. Her silliness, and playfulness. It reminds me so much of her dad. 

Josh

Patience with me

Rachel

For starting this blog

Graditude day #3 - the power of teamwork

So today started out rough. I got to bed late partly on my own account, partly because it was hot, and partly because I'm 28 weeks pregnant and just can't find a comfortable place on the bed. Isabel woke up twice and both times josh got up to tend to her. So grateful. However Isabel woke at 7 am too. So I was at a grouchy start. Josh was late also at getting up. His new goal for studying the act was 6-10 am. I was frustrated because I wanted things to be set in stone. I just want some kind of order and routine in my life. If he changes the time he studies every day than it makes it hard for me to plan life around it.

Luckily the day got better. Maybe it started with reading the book of Mormon and prayer around the table while eating lunch -josh initiated. We rested and relaxed as well. Then we got up and josh had a bunch of stuff to do, people to call. I felt like I needed to take over and give him a break and do the work for him while he gave me a break by taking Isabel outside and playing with her. I was more than happy for my break. So I felt like we got a lot done today. I guess we need to help each other out more, to ease one another's burdens. It definitely made my day more joyful and light. I'll have to think of other ways I can do this.

1. Thunderstorms!
2. My big belly. The blessing of being able to carry a child, the miracle of a flexible body.
3. Josh's playful nature , kid at heart personality. Isabel gets to have so much fun with her Papa. It brings out her playful nature and I absolutely love it.
4. Getting a lot checked off on Josh's list today. Figuring out how to apply to bctc, and making calls.
5. Baskin Robbins 88 cent cones and getting to watch Isabel attempt to lick the icecream from the cup. Enjoying the walk afterwards to see animals at an animal store.
6. Doing the laundry, getting dishes cleaned, clean Isabel's room.
7. Isabel being a picky eater. For the challenge of learning how to feed her. It is also showing me that I need to let go and relax a bit and let her go hungry at times so she will desire more variety of foods. Also gives me something to pray about.
8. Being able to stay home all day every day. It can get tiresome but how lucky am I to get to be home and focus only on my home and my family. I also get to go out and do fun stuff.
9. A body that can function. For not being sick while pregnant.
10. We have money to get by and do fun things and go out to eat. Huge blessing.

Isabel
1.Her curly hair!!! How it curls when it gets wet.
2. Her endless energy. The way she runs around the grocery store or any store when I let her down. Her squals.
3. The way she looked at me when I played you are my sunshine on my ukulele.

Josh
1. He's good with kids.
2. He is willing to change and ssy sorry. For how far he's come.

Rachel
1. Faith and desire to progress and do better.
2. Being kinder to myself. Letting myself make more mistakes and being more forgiving.

Gratitude day #2 - ups and downs

Life is hard. So much humanness to have to wade through. Life was much easier as an angel, up in heaven. I am thinking that the UPS and downs of life are inevitable. It's easy to want to ignore the bad when keeping a gratitude journal. I think though that it's important to recognize the bad AND be grateful for the bad... For the lessons and for the chance to come down here and learn.

1. For sleeping a full 8 hours and getting another nap in today!
2. Chicken for lunch and a yummy sub sandwich for dinner.
3. Figuring out a game plan for josh to study his ACT. 6-10 on days he's home. The rest of the day is free to other things. Spending time with us.
4. Josh going into the doctor to begin his ADHD medicine process. We were prompted through friends at church. The husband has almost the same issues as Josh with lack of focus and daydreaming etc. Good advice given to us that when you need to support a family medicine is extremely helpful and helps lift the burden so to speak. I think there is a reason she mentioned it especially before Josh goes to nursing school.
5. Isabel saying the word "no" like 5 times in a row according to Josh. She's been pushing boundaries more lately and we've had to establish them more. Like throwing food on the ground when we told her not to. She will keep doing it.
6. Promoting that I need to pray over how to teach Isabel and how to discipline her. Maybe ask what am I doing wrong, or how can I help encourage her to eat a variety of foods without forcing it on her. Establishing good habits early.
7. Family home evening. Printing off ten commandments visual for Isabel, even tho she didn't pay much attention. And our fhe learning about how to receive a remission of sins and helping josh learn too.
8. Josh's helping hands. I can't thank him enough for all he does to help lift my burdens with Isabel. I've been feeling so tired and weak lately. He is always quick to change her diaper or help out.
9. Perfect weather. Light breeze. Open windows.
10. The song "angel" sung by David archuleta.

Things I love about my daughter isabel:
1. Her unconditional love towards me and us. Her smile that lights up my life.
2. Her laugh. Her laugh. Her laugh!!!

Things I love of my husband:
1. His healing touch.
2. His faithfulness. Willingness.
3. His service and love. Sacrifice.

Things I love about myself:
1. Sincere caring towards others I love.
2. My hair. Even though it is crazy and drives me crazy. At the end of the day I love it. It makes me me.