Gratitude day #13 - Trusting in God's Voice (and trials of my faith)

Compared to the yoke of worldly sorrow, confusion, pain, and doubt that we presently carry , his yoke is exceedingly light and easy to be borne. When we insist on carrying our own yoke , we do not know where it will take us, and we will sorrow the whole trip. When we accept his yoke we know precisely where it will take us, and we walk the path with joyful steps and peace in our hearts. -John Pontius, Following the Light of Christ into his presence.

Today was tough at some points. I guess because my beliefs were called into question and challenged by my own family. My method of hearing God's voice was questioned by my mom and sister as possibly being "flippant" and just careless. As if I were receiving false answers or I was being deceived, or foolish.

It hurt because I felt misunderstood...again, for the third day in a row. Now having to defend myself in front of my Mom. I don't know if I really swayed her. Also it took me off guard and it caused me to question my own self and doubt the things I had known to be true... The voices came back to my mind "you are being niave! Foolish, gullible, you are just a child and will never know how to make your own desicions" .  You are prideful in thinking you can receive direct answers from God. "You are forcing the answer".

Yet all these negative voices I feel are not true at all! None of them brought me peace, they only brought me confusion and fear. I think it is the way my mom's message was delivered....it is always through dear and doubt in my ability to decide. My parents are always chosing fear over faith as their foundation. I cannot say this to them. This is my perception, but I really do not like it -especially now that I can identify it and pinpoint it.

I know my parents come from a place of caution or concern... I appreciate it. But I feel they could voice those same concerns with the spirit of faith and not of fear. I can just sense the old feelings wash over me.. Those feelings I was in so used to. The feelings I am trying to flee!

I suppose part of this trial has thrown me up against my own anger towards my parents. I see that I am not comfortable or secure being myself or maintaining my hold on the rod of iron when around people like this. When I am around fear mongering I am susceptible and easily persuaded to fear. I am quick to let go of the rod of iron (my personal revelation) to fall back into fear and insecurity and faithlessness.

It is so so hard to stand strong when your faith is still so small. So tiny. But it is there! I am holding onto it but I lost my grip the last few days with everyone throwing my identity into question. With what seems like my closest confidants lacking confidence in me. It causes me to lose confidence in myself. I guess the question is my hold on the voice of the Lord strong enough to preserve me through these trials? During the moments I feel vulnerable and alone, self conscious, unworthy? Will I give heed to these temptations or will I remain strong and confident in God's word to me? Will I doubt the goodness I felt? Will I revert back to calling if all a coincidence? Or ignore the miracles of the Lord because I ascribe it to chance? Where then is my faith??

I know what I have felt, and I know it seems foolish but like Joseph Smith said he cannot deny them! As much as people will question you doubt you vision or your promptings or your methods, you cannot deny that by then you have truly communed with God and have felt his goodness and tasted of his love. How painful to be rejected or to be misunderstood for them. But I need to hold fast to what I know is true, to my faith in the holy spirit and in my own hearing of his voice.

I know the Lord has prompted us and I am beginning to finally learn how the Lord speaks to me. It is so subtle and easy to overlook but for me it is almost like a silent knowing, a "yes"! Or a silent thought " something isn't right" or "this just does not feel right".

Now I do have to be careful I don't take a prompting and run with it too fast. Sometimes I get a prompting and then blindly follow, as in I do not think for myself I just go with it and ignore the follow up promptings. The additional clarifications that help me better understand my first prompting. I believe that is why I get frustrated. I can be impatient. Yes, I do need to be careful to slow down and listen. Listen listen.

Here are my 10:
1. Josh calling Nate to get advice about buying a home with student loans, it brought me more peace to hear his advice. Someone who has been there.
2. Learning to trust my voice, or the voice that speaks through me despite doubts and fears and voices that bombard me from the outside world. Learning to distinguish truth from error. Filtering out the good from the bad in all I hear. Not all voices are 100% false, but sometimes the ways which information is presented can be misleading and manipulative. However the information alone could be valuable . like facts a out buying a home or costs to consider. However scare tactics and doubt sprinkled in there can cause one to lose hold of what they know to be true.
3. Learning to hear the voice. Trusting that I do receive answers through the conscience. That is how the spirit speaks to me. The only time I've been mislead is when I only listen halfway or I am careless in Following through with a prompting, and instead make guesses without thinking things through with the aid of the holy ghost and without much prayer. So I learned also that I need to slow down a bit and think and pray. Example: felt prompted to reach out to certain individuals to get their opinion on what we should do . Not just listen to my dad and make a desicion based off of his recommendations (to rent a duplex, or small apartment...) That does NOT feel right to me but he kept insisting and almost forcing me to believe that was the right way . wouldn't respect my intuition or my feelings. I didn't feel comfortable about that . I appreciated his concern and pointing out some things ....but those were mainly things I'd already been considering.
4. My mom bought me a salad from Kroger's for supper. It hit the spot.
5. Mom helping me clean and pack after she got off work today.
6. Home made hat (white meditation hat) made by someone in my group. Helped hide the bad hair day.
7. Playing at the playground , exploring the baseball field with Isabel and getting that quality time with her. Even though it wears me out.
8. The hope that Noah will be healthy.
9. Donna finding Noah a Noahs ark bedroom set!!!!
10. Peace and reassurance from the Lord, reminders of Josh's blessing the other day about my progress and that I am ahead of schedule in my progression. To know that I am in the right, or at least on the right path..(even if I'm not yet there or not perfectly obedient.) It has really increased my confidence in God and in my own self. Blessings are amazing.

Gratitude day #12 - Finding my voice

 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things. - Moroni 10:5

I wanted to post this on Facebook but I figure not to cast my pearl before swine and instead voice my opinion here.

The voice of the spirit is the thing that is leading me and guiding me. It has taught me my worth. It has reminded me of my purpose and shown me my gifts. It is melting away the shame.

Perhaps this is the cause of opposition in my life. As I grow and mature and as my abilities mature I am met with opposition on all sides, from those who would have things stay the same. From those who feel threatened by the authenticity by which I strive to live. Because I am throwing off many of the chains which bind me, my vibration is changing and I am calling forth all the unauthentic identities in my life. I am shedding old skin. I am calling forth new powers. I am birthing a new life.

Abilities are to see things differently. To see the peculiar way in which the Lord works. I can see it. I can see it plainly. I am drawn to the truth. I do not mean to boast, but I say this so that I can begin to feel comfortable in my own skin and acknowledge my strengths. I have a pure heart. The Lord told me and I felt it was true as he confirmed this to me. My heart aches to hear this from my God and Father. To be recognized as good! To be told I am sure hearted means the world to me....when my whole life I have been burdened by a overwhelming sense of shame. To know the TRUTH and throw out the lies! To recognize how wrong I've been about myself. I have no evil intent in me. I have no meanness in my heart. I have nothing but love to give the world, and nothing but compassion to share.

I've hardened my heart over time and have turned bitter because I have been born into this cold world, a world that simply doesn't understand or comprehend my intentions. It won't acknowledge my voice. I see that it has crippled me. It has turned me into someone I'm not. I have not felt myself since I came to this world. It is no joke.

Heavenly Father knew how impressionable I was to come down here and enter into hardship where my heart would be trampled on and my love would be ignored. He knew I'd retreat into myself. But this doesn't make me bad. This doesn't make me worthy of the guilt and shame I have been carrying.

I have a voice!! It speaks powerfully in and through me. It is a gift and a voice of the spirit. I am not going to be afraid to anger people anymore. I am simply going to speak when I felt called to do so.

Well it's late so here's my 10

1. Hiking at cove springs
2. Shirts from cheapskates, new ones!/cute ones!
3. Uninterrupted sleep
4. Throwing rocks in the creek in our backyard with Isabel.
5. The love I feel for my daughter. D
6. Recognizing my gifts and realizing my worth.
7. My ability to speak up when something isn't right. Even if I get a lot of backlash for it.
8. Time to talk about our life and our life plans while on our hike.
9. Promptings from the spirit.
10. Learning that it is not a good idea to live with my parents. Not a good enviornment for me to live in.

Gratitude day #11 - lowest of lows

I am too tired to write out everything that happened today... But basically josh and I had a fight. Big one. He left. Didn't come back for like 7 hours. I was going crazy and mad because he lefme alone with Isabel and no car and wouldn't answer my phone or text. I finally got a hold of him at like 630/PM and I didn't mean to but I lost it. I yelled and screamed at him...i know others heard me. I know I scared Isabel. It hurts SO bad to hurt her. Yet I couldn't help it. I was upset and angry and I needed to express my bottled up emotions. My hurt. My broken heart.

I love Isabel so much but I am so human. I pray I don't mess her up to bad. :'( I asked my mom if I could take her over there for the night. I needed a break and couldn't deal emotionally. Plus josh and I needed to talk it out for a few hours.. Sigh. Well I have been dreading being grateful for this day. Here it goes anyway.

1. Isabel's sweet smiling spirit...even when I'm sad she smiles.
2. Blessing I got from josh after our fight. Pure heart and light shining out of me. I'm right on schedule. He heals through his love. Pray for this healing. Lord will cut down my tree.
3. A stroller.
4. Nap time.
5. Traci , being able to vent to her and feel better after.
6. Slept in , josh watched her so I could sleep in.
7. Reassurance about getting into Midway college (josh)
8. Parents who came to pick up Isabel when I couldn't handle her anymore... Or rather couldn't handle me. Huge comfort to have them.
9. The playroom in the back of the house. A separate space for Isabel's toys.
10. Helping josh learn to process his emotions. Helping him confront his anger issues...and finding that alot of it is ancestral.... No wonder we are struggling so much. I need to pray to help whoever the ancestor is to heal.

Gratitude day 10 - 24 hours without Josh and no low!

I think this is cause to celebrate. I have been recognizing a trend in my posts where the hardest and lowest days have been on the days Josh is gone. Perhaps because I detected this I've been able to prepare for them more.

I noticed that having a focus (my schedule, routine, and meal plan) has helped keep me occupied and gives me purpose. Not only that but hope. Gratitude is helping a lot as well! I am not as stuck because I am pushing forward and reaching higher.

I notice myself trying to talk myself out of keeping and maintaining a routine. "It's too much work and effort, it isn't worth the trouble" "this is rediculous, look at how crazy and rigid this all is. It isn't realistic". " You really think this new meal plan is going to work?" "Look at his much you spent, and how much work this is". And on and on. Well, now j am more aware and am able to detect these voices trying to dissuade me from doing what I know I need to do.

I recognize that the initial startup , getting out of this rut is going to take a lot of effort... More than I will ever have to do in the future. But if I get the momentum going then it will be so much easier to keep going. I know I need to give myself grace...and I definitely have. In fact last night I didn't get to bed until 3 because of pregnancy, overactive brain and then Isabel woke up. That wrecks me. Thus I slept in till 10...(thankfully). I felt rested all day though and had enough energy to go to the store and keep a clean house, and cook 2 chickens and freeze, play with Isabel, going on a walk, feed her and put her to bed.

Another thing that helped me today was playing with isabel outside and exploring her world with her. Being creative and teaching her how to play. Chasing her between the trees. Collecting plants and things, talking to her and reading to her. Also having food for her to eat. Also! I bought two new shirts that fit me!! That must have made a big difference. I am also so excited about my meal plan. How much healthier we will be eating.

10 for the day
1. Isabel following my request to go pick up the sweeper, or broom after she dropped stuff on the floor. She knew exactly what I meant and went and got it and tried to sweep for me.
2. Playing with isabel outside and exploring nature with her. I have so much fun doing it. She loved it too. Especially me chasing her. The rain.
3. Getting 2 new maternity shirts from cheapskates!
4. Getting complimented on my shirt by a sweet 11 year old boy at Kroger!
5. Keeping s clean house, even though I made 2 chickens and soaking beans and no josh!
6. My meal plan!!
7. Avacado pudding!!! Thanks to the Leavitts.
8. Isabel reading a book in her crib before bed!! Looking at the pictures.
9. The library. All the sweet people who love on Isabel and think she is the cutest.
10. Prayer. Isabel seemed to fold her arms for a second when I started to pray before bed today. !!

Gratitude day #9 - Giving myself some grace and a little more structure

It was a rough morning. Hmm.. I am beginning to see a trend here. This is almost a normal occurance for me. If it's not a picture crashing to the ground it is the baby waking me up. Lately I've had a hard time breathing. So I think I got about 4-5 hrs of sleep. . .

Anyway, I got up after a while because I just couldn't sleep and the thought came to me to just get up and get a head start on my day. I am actually thankful I did because I was able to meal plan and figure out a schedule and organize all the ingredients for our trip to Aldis later that day. I wanted to make sure I got my week off to a good start. Believe me, just knowing and having a plan for meals takes a huge burden off my back and actually replaces with excitement. I'm simple I know. Knowing what I have planned gives the whole family something to look forward to. There is nothing quite like being hungry and not knowing what to eat!! I have learned the hard way. So all these meals are extremely healthy, not pre packaged, lots of veggies!!! And it is all planned out for me for a whole month! Think I'll simply rotate and do it again. We will see. This is an experiment.

Aldis didn't have all the ingredients so I will have to go to Kroger tomorrow to get the rest. Then I will have to cook 2 whole chickens and soak beans for the month. Also reserving broth (homemade)! This alone will save me oodles!! Annnnd no msg!! Beans will be sodium free. I usually go the easy route and buy cans. But this will be way healthier for my body. Ibfeel so good about this. I know I need to give myself grace for those slip ups I'm sure to have. Make sure I don't go at this in an all or nothing way. Food is so important for our bodies and this is my first step in making the changes necessary to sustain my health and well being.

So simple really, but it is a huge breakthrough for me...ADD girl who struggles to initiate anything or to focus and make goals and act and execute my ideas. I'm usually a head in the clouds girl. Routine and planning and structure brings me down to earth and is helping me live intentionally. Some people, including me believe routine is a prison....(false belief!) But I am learning that NO routine is chaos and chaos is a type of prison. The Lord's house is a house of order. I want mine to be too. It is no longer out of reach for me. The Lord is blessing me.

A lady in my energy healing group texted me saying she could work on me today and apparently released many hundreds of generational emotions and feelings that I've been carrying. Especially the preconception trauma. More on that later I'm sure. I am sure the trauma is a min reason for my dibilitations.

Here we go for our 10

1. Isabel finding and playing with a whooly worm! It is so simple a thin but I love exposing her to new and unusual things. I love helping her learn through touch, sight, smell, etc. She got excited. When we let it go, she ran back to see where it went and was sad she couldn't find it.
2. Waking up early to meal plan
3. Trip to. KFC and baskin Robbins. When your pregnant and tired and hungry...it's heaven.... Good thing I'm meal planning!!
4. Fans in our bedroom...pillow between my legs. Helps me sleep.
5. I was able to keep my kitchen clean today.
6. Walk at the park, seeing Isabel throw a fit because we walked right past the playground . Something she now apparently loves! She's growing up and is so aware!! Sometimes I miss how little and unaware she was. I'm still so used to her being unconscious in a sense , now she has preferences and likes and dislikes.
7. Donna , energy healer, texting me to help do work on me.
8. Short nap.
9. Grace!!! Grace from the Lord, forgiveness , and power I'm receiving to overcome my weaknesses.
10. Being tired at 11 PM. Hopefully I'll be able to reset my clock and then myself into more of a morning person....grace for grace ;)

Gratitude day #8 - The Light Dawns

Today was a sunday, and that means church!
Got to church late. Woken up last night by a picture on the wall that crashed. Was shaken up about that for a while. Couldn't sleep. So josh took Isabel to church....even tho he didn't get much sleep either. Love him. Got to church for 3rd hour. Saw Isabel in nursery. Hannah watched her for me. Love her too!

Was reminded of our dinner with the leavitts. They live really close to us. Family with like 7 kids. We had talked a while ago on a Wednesday and found out we had a lot in common.... At least when it comes to our add tendencies. So we had a lot to talk about!!

Went over there and it was awesome. The conversation we had was like a lightbulb... Especially for josh! He came home tonight and was ready eyed and dumbfounded , still trying to process all the information. The missing link to his life. It makes him sad because he wishes he would have known this sooner , because life has been so difficult for him. Brother Leavitts has many of the exact same issues as Josh. Did poorly on tests. Couldn't focus. The list goes on. The whole time we were like YES!!! That is 1000 % us! Even sister leavitt has some issues. Like me. But different. Anyway. He was saying that we (josh and I) both have add/ADHD but different types and we balance each other out. We help one another in our weak areas. Yes. So true. He takes medicine. He said the difference for him was night and day. And I believe it.like he couldn't even sleep because he could think and focus so clearly. He was so excited. Medicine, they said, is necessary in a society that doesn't acknowledge the skills of these people. In a culture where there's a million different desicions to make , it really is. Handicap to have trouble focusing. It takes 10x the effort of someone with add to do what someone without it can do.

Wish I could recount the full convo.

Isabel loved their family too!! The kids are so well behaved and mature with her. I felt I could trust them totally with her. And Isabel was really enjoying their company. They weren't loud or obnoxious. These are the kids I want my daughter to associate with! It is such a stark contrast from the kids you see in nursery, and primary. In general. Kids just don't have respect. They push other kids around and the teacher won't do anything about it!

Just makes me worry. I want Isabel to grow and flourish and enjoy socializing. I am feeling more and more that homeschooling my kids is the best option. It would be so awesome if my kids had friends with other homeschool kiddos. I will pray on this... But upon finding out my daughter almost certainly has sensory issues like josh and I (or sensory gifts!) As society would not acknowledge, I feel that she needs to grow up in an environment that encourages physical activity and exploration....not squash it.

I know, however, it would be tough for me. I'm also not sure if she would get enough social interaction. I would need to make sure she is a part of a homeschool group. I'd like to live somewhere that I knew there would be one.

Learned lots of things. It was so refreshing to talk to someone who gets it!! Also who understands my parenting . not to reinforce picky eating by dismissing them if they won't eat or if they throw their food. Their kids est even the things they don't like. Or they don't eat. There is no way that she would make individual meals for each child. It is so so tough to put your foot down like that, but I see that it definitely pays off in the long run.

I need to ask her more about how she punishes or rewards her kiddos. Like what would you do if your child deliberately disobeyed you? (Ate the pudding)?

Wow...anyway here's my 10 a day
1. Leavitts giving me s treadmill!!!!!!
2. Spending time with the Leavitts, connecting and finding support with them... Learning about our issues and finally figuring out why we struggle so much!
3. Isabel playing with the kids and exploring a new home.
4. Isabel enjoying the nature walk , or neighborhood walk. Walking at least half of the way with us and not running into the street. Knowing the boundaries. And walking with us willingly!
5. Isabel's increased efforts to talk.
6. Josh's love towards me. His affection and help.
7. Josh stretching my legs so my hips got a stretch. Also back massage.
8. The lesson in young woman's ... On prayer and sis shriebers story about the girl with anxiety and depression that made such a huge influence on her. Knowing what to do to help her.
9. Planning out field trip ideas for Isabel, and setting the alarm for our schedule. Stsrting a routine. Need to pray for help to keep it.
10. Overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude I feel today. I feel a burden has been lifted. Treadmill for me....medicine for josh.... help with our afflictions and figuring out how to overcome them. God is reaching out his hand to offer help.

Gratitude day #7 - Others have been here too

Today began well. It started late because I went to bed late and was woken up a couple times by Isabel. So 10 am was the wake time. Regardless, I felt rested. It is a 24 hr solo day so I started out with lots of momentum and hope for a good day. I am going to start following a schedule. So I carved out specific time to do certain things. Mainly when Isabel's playtime was (independent play) and structured play. I really enjoy the distinction. Independent play gives both of us time to relax and get a break from one another, while structured play gives us intentional interactive time together. It's about an hour or more . I do daily devotionals - prayer, hymn, studies, pictures. Then we do a craft or whatever the planned activity is for the day. The theme was apples for the week/month because she is already grasps words and concepts , and is grasping them rapidly!

It makes me so happy that she is pointing to body parts, and also to objects in books, and things around the home. It also makes me realize how much she is soaking in! Perfect time to regear and reset my intentions to start structured play.

I tried to keep 2 naps in the schedule and it worked. I think she does still need two naps. Both were about 2 hours each. This girl sleeps a lot! I am so grateful for that!! I think she knows what I can handle.

Midday is the tough part of the day and I started feeling down and depressed. Isabel was throwing tantrums and seems to be screaming now. It's like she does it because she can't tell me what she wants. She also dislikes the word no, but sometimes I don't know what else to say. Especially when she won't eat , puts marbles in her mouth, and doesn't listen to me when I tell her no. I am not sure how to go about it in a better way. Perhaps that's a subject to be prayed over.

I felt better in the evening after her second nap. I guess I read a few things from the home making bundle that gave me a sense of hope and motivation to get out of this funk. It was a book from the homemaking bundle that gave meal plan ideas, also scheduler ideas from a faith based perspective. "Grace not perfection" I think I was gently reminded that I needed to give myself a break and to congratulate myself on making this step forward. I wrote a letter to Laurel via email because I needed to vent to someone who understood and is non judgmental.

Anyways, the day was rainy and dreary, the day was long being alone all day, but I made it and I ended on a positive. I got the kitchen spic and span. I took a shower and applied essential oils. Unfortunately it's 1/pm .

10
1. Essential oils, even though I don't use them enough they make me feel peaceful and balanced. Breathe opens up my airways and I can definitely feel a difference.
2. A clean clean kitchen.
3. A shower.
4. A schedule and routine to fall back on.
5. LDS podcasts app
6. Isabel eating supper finally. Discovering I need to chop up solid food very small for Isabel to eat it. (She used to eat big pieces so I'm not sure what changed. Maybe her stomach is telling her it can't digest big pieces of food).
7. For the hope that comes through christs atonement. Knowing God will and is leading me if I let him. That life won't always be this dark and gloomy. Dwelling on hope.
8. My failures, they have taught me wisdom and what doesn't work and what isn't practical. Failed binders and organizational attempts. Failed systems, failed meals, failed obligations, failed self care, failed love and patience. Learning what won't work is helping me find what will.
9. Gods grace-- things are never as hard as they could be. I have time to relax. I don't have to worry about work. I can focus on my family. I have the opportunity and time to put into my self. Thanks Josh.
10. Learning others feel the same way and go through same feelings. Learning to be proud of being a stay at home mom. Knowing others are doing it too and proudly. I need not be ashamed of my calling .

1. Her attempts at talking to me.
2. Josh's curiosity and open mindedness .
3. Getting back up even when I fall down.